God, I am so on edge tonight. It’s mostly hormonal, and I’m trying to remind myself of that. It just isn’t helping, and my psychiatrist is having me do this month-long hormone test…which means I can’t take any hormones to relieve this.
I’m mostly stressing about money right now. There’s not enough of it. See, right before Housemate moved out, she wrote herself a check from the household account. This was legit; we do it when we spend our own money on shared expenses. But she didn’t enter it in the register, so I didn’t know she’d written it. (Annoyingly, we can’t do online banking with the Windhorse account, so I couldn’t check the balance easily.) So that meant I ended up bouncing a couple checks. Team Leader fixed it, but now I’m short for the month. My personal account is also short because it’s the end of the month, and I spent a lot of money adopting Winston and getting stuff for him.
Meanwhile, I’m supposed to be moving on Friday, and I can’t afford the movers. Not that I’ve actually gotten a single fucking moving company to pick up their phones or return my voicemails. So maybe the not affording it part doesn’t matter, since I don’t actually have movers. Does this constitute justifiable homicide? Somebody please tell me it does, ’cause I really need to rip somebody’s lungs out right now.
Then there are the bills. None of them are that high, but if I pay them, there’s no chance I can afford the movers.
The fees for my kung fu class are due the first of the month. Plus there’s the weekend kung fu camp in August that’s another $100. I really want to go, but how in the hell am I going to afford it? I don’t even know if I can afford regular kung fu classes next month.
Let’s not even mention how expensive food is. Dunno how I’m going to afford that either.
God, I feel like this huge failure. You’d think I’d be able to handle this stuff by now. It’s normal stuff, but I fuck it up. And to think, a couple weeks ago I was considering going back to college. Like I’m gonna be able to manage that when I can’t even keep my bank accounts in order.
Also, my neck/head/shoulders are killing me, mostly on the left side. There’s this pulsing pain with sparks of what feels like either extreme cold or heat. I’ve been seeing a chiropractor, but I’ve only seen him twice so don’t know if it works yet. I’ve been taking every OTC pain med in the book. They take the edge off but don’t really fix it.
I want to binge and purge, but there’s no food left in the house because I’m too fucking broke. I want to cut, but I know that’s not a good idea. Fuck. I know it’s just hormones, but srsly, why does my endocrine system feel the need to host a murderous mutiny in my brain once a month? This fucking sucks.
Kat
The Life You Save May Be Your Own 