The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Escape July 1, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 1:56 am
Tags: , ,

“The first obligation of a prisoner is to escape.”

–John Sheridan, Babylon 5

I keep eating and eating.  And cleaning.  And knitting.  And watching crap TV.  And reading.  And checking my e-mail.

 

I can’t stop.  These are the things I do when I’m trying to escape, but I don’t even know what it is I’m trying to escape from.  I should be happy–I have a new apartment, I’m going to get a puppy, I just got my first-stripe white belt in kung fu.  These are all things I should be happy about, and there’s nothing going on that I should be distressed about.

 

But I feel like I’m verging on panic.  I keep frantically doing all these things to keep it at bay.  I don’t know why.  I don’t even know what.  And not knowing just increases my anxiety.  I’m a person who likes– needs–to know things.  I can survive just about anything if I just understand what’s happening to me and why.  But this, this I don’t understand.  I’m a highly self-aware person, so why don’t I understand this?  Why do I not know what’s going on?

 

Fuck.

 

I need more fake ice cream.

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2 Responses to “Escape”

  1. brandic32 Says:

    I can really relate. I’ve been feeling quite distressed lately, for no apparent reason, as well as some fun body memories/sensations that are accompanying the distress. So I get it. I don’t know if that provides an solace… I’m just sorry you’re going through this, and hope it gets better soon.

  2. Bourbon Says:

    Exactly. As long as I know what is going on I feel I can deal with it. That is why I’m so resistant to some things (especially memory work) cause I don’t always understand what is going on. I’m hoping my new T will fix that.
    I know it feels overwhelming and out of your control but perhaps if you can calm down on those distraction techniques you may come to learn what is going on. I was feeling so much yesterday that I purposefully ate 2 bowls of cereal and imagined everything being shoved down with each swallow. It only meant it came up again a bit later and when I realised what it was, by writing on my blog, I was able to rest a little.
    Anyway hope the panic has subsided. And hope you have a little of an answer to such an enormous question of what is going on.
    B


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