I think my last post just kinda erupted out of nowhere, huh? I’ll try to explain, though I’m not sure it’ll make things any clearer.
I think what really pushed me over the edge today was what I interpreted as a snippy response from the admissions person at Sheppard Pratt. My team leader had emailed to say I was looking for an individual therapist who could work intensively with me around establishing internal communication and cooperation with my alters. The woman’s response was along the lines of “We basically only do stabilization so yay CBT and DBT.” Those don’t help me.
They also won’t let me keep taking a supplement I need. I have a genetic condition that keeps my body from being able to process folic acid, MTHFR polymorphism. It causes severe depression and prevents me from responding to antidepressants. But it’s not FDA approved, so they won’t let me take it. There is a prescription version, but since my insurance doesn’t cover it, it costs three times what the supplement costs.
I dunno, it sounds so trivial when I’m writing it out. I guess I’m just so close to my tipping point all the time these days that it doesn’t take much to send me over the edge.
And I have to figure out what to tell my family about going to SP. They don’t have to pay for any of it, but they’ll throw a fit anyway, say I’m being manipulative and just doing it for attention.
And I’m stressed and guilty about hiding my eating disorder. My cardiac arrhythmia is back; I can feel it, and I keep wishing it were bad enough that I’d just drop dead. I hate that I’ve turned into a liar. I hate myself for everything so much it’s unbearable. I can’t even stand listening to what I’m writing.