The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Explanation January 31, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 3:25 am

I think my last post just kinda erupted out of nowhere, huh? I’ll try to explain, though I’m not sure it’ll make things any clearer.

I think what really pushed me over the edge today was what I interpreted as a snippy response from the admissions person at Sheppard Pratt. My team leader had emailed to say I was looking for an individual therapist who could work intensively with me around establishing internal communication and cooperation with my alters. The woman’s response was along the lines of “We basically only do stabilization so yay CBT and DBT.” Those don’t help me.

They also won’t let me keep taking a supplement I need. I have a genetic condition that keeps my body from being able to process folic acid, MTHFR polymorphism. It causes severe depression and prevents me from responding to antidepressants. But it’s not FDA approved, so they won’t let me take it. There is a prescription version, but since my insurance doesn’t cover it, it costs three times what the supplement costs.

I dunno, it sounds so trivial when I’m writing it out. I guess I’m just so close to my tipping point all the time these days that it doesn’t take much to send me over the edge.

And I have to figure out what to tell my family about going to SP. They don’t have to pay for any of it, but they’ll throw a fit anyway, say I’m being manipulative and just doing it for attention.

And I’m stressed and guilty about hiding my eating disorder. My cardiac arrhythmia is back; I can feel it, and I keep wishing it were bad enough that I’d just drop dead. I hate that I’ve turned into a liar. I hate myself for everything so much it’s unbearable. I can’t even stand listening to what I’m writing.

Sorry.

 

The end January 30, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 8:55 pm

I’m done. I’m just fucking done. I really want to go home and kill myself, although I probably won’t.

I shouldn’t feel this bad. I got Winston a new crate, got all my insurance issues sorted out, my foot’s doing better…but I want to die. It makes no sense.

For some reason I just feel completely hopeless. I’m suddenly convinced that Sheppard Pratt can’t help me and my new therapist can’t help me and god knows I can’t help me. I’m too broken and disgusting and unlovable, so I feel this desperate NEED to kill myself.

 

The I Word, lulz edition

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 7:39 am
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Today’s edition of lulzy WTF-y news:
Fake Therapist thinks we’re going to integrate at Sheppard Pratt. You know, in a program that averages a 21-day length of stay. After having had NO prior treatment for DID, beyond the diagnosis.

My reactions:

1. Lol wat
2. Do you know anything about DID?
3. Like, beyond the two paragraphs of dribble in an abnormal psych textbook?
4. Lol wat
5. This is not how DID treatment works.
6. Srsly, NOT IN LIKE THREE WEEKS for fuckin sure.
7. Lol wat
8. How much are you gonna freak out when I say fuck integration?
9. Just because multiplicity isn’t YOUR natural state of being, that doesn’t mean it’s an inherently bad or wrong way of being.
10. Like srsly, I get to stay multiple if I want. I just wanna not be dysfunctional about it.
11. Lol your face while I’m explaining this.
12. Lol wat

 

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 12:04 am

I just can’t do life right now.

I want to carve myself up so someone else will have to take care of me for a while, and so I can turn off all the pain and chaos.

Or I want to just kill myself already. It feels so inevitable. I want my life, god I want it so bad, but this thing I’m surviving is not a life, and it isn’t mine.

Fuck it. I’m going to bed.

I’m sorry. For existing.

 

Whine January 29, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 2:51 pm
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I am depressed and exhausted and I can’t get warm and I lost my favorite hat yesterday and the dog ate my whole bag of trail mix and my weight’s not down enough and I’m hormonal and my mother might have cancer again and I’m still waiting for a spot at Sheppard Pratt and I don’t like my therapist and my hair looks like a rat’s nest and there’s no sunshine and I want to kill myself.

Can I just go back to bed and skip today? And maybe all the days?

 

Blank January 27, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 3:46 pm
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I haven’t written about what’s going on in my head for several days because I don’t really know. I’m cut off from feeling anything.

I think I’m cut off from a great deal of myself, actually. I think there’s a lot going on that’s beyond my reach, and I’m not going out of my way to grab at it.

I can’t focus. I can only knit a row or two at a time. I put on a DVD and then realize I have no idea what happened in the movie. Trying to read is a joke. I can’t keep track of time.

My weight is under 130, making for a 35 lb loss in the last 3 months. I’m overusing laxatives still, of course, but with less desperation than a week or two ago. I have a very short list of safe foods.

I think my foot may finally be healed enough to resume normal activity. Yesterday I walked to town and back (a mile and a half each way) without the brace and with only a little plan. I’ll try going back to kung fu tomorrow night.

I’m on the waiting list for Sheppard Pratt. Right now my instinct is to say nevermind, I don’t need it. I know that’s not true; I know the chaos and desperation are still present, just behind my walls. And I’m not happy with this way of being. I know that. But for now, during the waiting, the numbness is okay. I actually kind of hope it stays until I get to Sheppard Pratt, although I know almost certainly it won’t.

 

Frustration January 26, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 6:09 pm
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I cast on for Winter’s Tree because it seemed to be the winner, only to discover the pattern is NOT clearly written at all. My brain is currently too fried to decipher it, so I frogged it.

I really hate falling in love with a pattern only to find out it won’t work.

But I found a similar pattern, with the added bonus of cables. They’re annoyingly fiddly to knit, but I really love the way they look.

20130126-130814.jpg

So I’ve cast on and started knitting the new pattern, which is much more clearly written. Yay!

 

 
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