The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

The centre cannot hold November 10, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 4:24 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Woke up this morning from a horrible nightmare. So bad I can’t even write about it. So bad I haven’t stopped shaking since.

Everything feels unbearable. Winston keeps whining and I want to scream at him to shut up. But he can’t help it. He’s just a dog.

Head spinning spinning spinning. Can’t make it stop. I’m a bad person. Bad. Bad. So dizzy. Just want it to stop.

No one to turn to. Alone. Be quiet. Can’t tell anyone. They’d hate me. Bad. Can’t trust NT. Can’t trust anyone. Afraid they all want to hurt me.

Everything’s falling apart and I can’t hold it together.


9 Responses to “The centre cannot hold”

  1. sonamsangmu Says:

    Why can’t you trust your therapist? Is s/he not trustworthy or do you just have difficulty trusting? I only ask because I am sure that the NT *is* trustworthy and there to listen to you. You may be afraid but if you don’t take the risk of trusting your NT things will continue on as they are getting worse for you. Trusting the NT requires a leap of faith from you but well worth it from my experience. When I told about the MDSA to my psychologist I was 28 and so ashamed. But you know what? my psychologist was really supportive and empathetic. She made me feel better knowing it hadn’t been my fault. It was terrible at first and I shut down emotionally but after several months I was able to start picking myself back up. You have to feel worse before you can feel better in therapy from my experience. It’s two years later and I’m glad I shared my shame with my therapist. She started the healing process and I was able to see myself differently-in a more positive light. Self compassion is key throughout the healing process too. Don’t beat yourself up. You are allowing the past abuse to continue that way.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Because she demonstrated pretty clearly that she can’t handle my issues. She sent me to the hospital for dissociating and left me there alone, even though she knows I was abused in a hospital. That, to me, is not trustworthy.

      Believe me, just because someone is a therapist doesn’t mean they’re trustworthy. The first therapist I told said it was normal sexual development. Another one told me it was my fault because I didn’t trust god enough. I’m not naive enough anymore to blindly trust someone just because the sign on their door says they’re a therapist. A therapist who sends me to the hospital for dissociating and then puts all the responsibility off on someone else…not trustworthy. You don’t know her so how could you possibly know if she’s trustworthy?

      • sonamsangmu Says:

        Ack, I apologize. You’re right I don’t know her and I’m sorry you had those awful experiences. Not every therapist is trustworthy, you’re quite right there. But lots *are* so I try to see them positively. Some have harmed me as well but I don’t hold it against all of them. Can you get another therapist? One that’s more trustworthy?

      • weordmyndum Says:

        I’m looking into it but not sure I can find anyone else. I live in a small town in a mostly rural area, and I don’t have a car. I need someone who takes both Medicare and Medicaid, as well as having experience with trauma and dissociation. It took nearly six months just to find this therapist, so I’m not terribly hopeful about finding another one.

      • sonamsangmu Says:

        Oh, that’s sh*tty 😦 None of the psychologists accept medicare where I’m at but I don’t have insurance either so can’t afford one. RNs and social workers, as well as psychiatrists, have proved useless for me. So until I get a job and have money I don’t have a therapist. I can see why it would be hard in a small town too with no car. I take the public transportation everywhere. The service likely isn’t great though if you live in a smaller town. What about finding someone who would Skype with you? so long as they accepted Medicare/Medicaid anyway. Now I’m not too sure if you think alternative therapies are legit or smoke and mirrors but what about acupuncture or reflexology? Of course they’re generally not covered under medicare type plans 😦 Okay, I am sorry I don’t know what to suggest. I’ll quit before I dig a bigger hole for myself.

  2. Grainne Says:

    I’m with you from here. Sitting over here in my dark room wishing I could sit next to you. Xx

  3. kate1975 Says:

    I’m sorry that you are going through this and not having a therapist who can handle what you are dealing with. Good and healing thoughts to you.


  4. Can you give Winston a hug? Maybe Im weird, but pets are great to hug when there is noone else.

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