The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Preparations February 15, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 2:10 am
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Sheppard Pratt will probably have a spot for me by the middle or end of next week.

Part of me says, “Finally!” Another part says, “Already?”

I’m suddenly very scared.

But I found foster care for Winston while I’m gone–the local animal shelter finds temporary foster placement in situations like ours. I took him in today for a behavioral analysis, and he passed. Really his only problem behavior is jumping on people when he gets excited–and he gets excited any time people other than me are around. It’s actually kind of cute how happy he is to meet people. If he were a smaller dog, the jumping would just be annoying, but he’s a 70 lb German shepherd/husky mix. He’s almost knocked me down more than once and could easily knock down a kid. And he gets wound up when he’s around a lot of people and critters, which is pretty much the description of an animal shelter.

So I was really proud of him for passing the test, and relieved they’ll be able to foster him. Means all our training is paying off! When I got him he was a serious biter–I’m talking tearing through my jeans and breaking the skin–and was not house trained. The rescue didn’t tell me any of this, so I was totally unprepared when I brought him home. I can’t afford to get a trainer, so we’ve done all his training on our own. Good boy, Winston!

I just don’t know what I’ll do without him for this long!

Gratuitous Winston picspam because he’s so cute.

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Random Picture Post January 24, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 4:09 am
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I’m bored, in a weird mood, and slightly drugged. So…random picture post.

I’ve probably mentioned this before, but I collect hippos. When I was in first grade, I played a singing hippo in my class play. People started giving me hippos, and it kinda stuck.

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This is the part of my collection that I have here in Massachusetts. I have a bunch more in Alabama, assuming my mother hasn’t thrown them out.

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That one on the far left us made out of elaborately folded paper. How amazing is that?

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That bowl was thrown and painted for me by a friend of mine from Riggs, Natalia. On the other side, it has a quote from Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog.

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I painted the blue hippo at one of those “paint your own pottery” places. The little carved stone hippo at the bottom right came from Africa. Janet, who was my nurse at Riggs, gave him to me.

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This mess is allegedly going to turn into a sock.

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Winston says hi.

 

Too Much August 22, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 12:32 am
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Everything is too much right now.

Winston ripped up a sizable chunk of carpet in my living room. This should be a frustration; at worst, I’ll lose the security deposit when I move out. But it’s not just a frustration–right now I’m fighting suicidality. I feel like a terrible pet owner because I should’ve trained him better or at least supervised him better, and I’m bad for being angry at him and putting him in the crate. I feel like I’m a terrible person who should kill herself so she doesn’t hurt anybody else.

And I’m a bad volunteer because the neighborhood team leader just called me, and I let it go to voicemail. I haven’t done the data entry I need to because my Internet is down, and I’m afraid she’s mad at me. So of course my fucked up brain’s fucked up solution to what’s probably isn’t even a problem at all: suicide.

When I saw NT on Monday, she offered me another time this week. I took it, and now I’m hating myself for it. She’s going to think you’re too needy, Sara. She’s going to think it because it’s true. Nothing is ever enough for you, is it? You want a mommy. Well, guess what? You can’t have one. You don’t deserve one. Why do you think your own mother could never love you? It’s not you, it’s her. And now you want your therapist to be your mommy and love you–do you know how fucking pathetic that is? You’re 26 years old, so grow the fuck up already. Call and tell her you’re too sick to come on Friday. Hell, while you’re at it, just tell her you’re too sick to come ever. You’re too needy and fucked up for anyone to ever love you. Just kill yourself already. This world would be better off without you.

…not really sure where/who that last bit came from. I’m not actually going to kill myself or anything. But I just don’t know how to cope. Normal coping skills don’t work for me. The self-destructive ones do, but I really don’t want to go there. I just don’t know what to do. Even if I could make myself ask for help, I don’t know what anyone could do that would actually help. At this point I’m feeling pretty hopeless and like there isn’t anything that would help.

I’m just too much, for myself or anyone else.

 

“You don’t have to be brave.” July 13, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 6:41 pm
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I asked for help.

 

This is not something I’m good at doing.  I feel like I should be able to manage everything in my life all by myself, and I feel like asking for help burdens people, bothers them, makes them angry.  For years, I convinced myself that I didn’t need anything from anyone, didn’t need anything at all.  I even convinced myself I didn’t need food and water, the very most basic things, and that almost killed me several times.  I thought if I could kill off my needs, it would let me live.

 

Obviously, that didn’t work.

 

I haven’t been sleeping.  I thought I could handle going off the meds suddenly–after all, it was recommended by someone with a PhD in psychology who’s also board certified in sleep medicine.  And I do think I could be on fewer meds or smaller dosages, but doing it so abruptly was really bad.  I was okay-ish for the first few days, but once they were all out of my system, I was not at all okay.

 

This morning, after barely sleeping and having nightmares about my mother when I did, I woke up having a panic attack.  I tried to weather it on my own, but that wasn’t working.  My heart was racing, and I couldn’t stop hyperventilating.  I called my nurse, and she came over and had me take some gabapentin.

 

“You don’t have to be brave,” she told me.  “We’re here.”

 

The gabapentin then tanked my blood pressure, so she fed me lunch, got someone else from Windhorse to take Winston out for a walk, and put me back to bed.  I did, luckily, get a few hours of sleep, but there were more nightmares.  They’re trying to find someone who can take care of Winston for a few nights so I can get some sleep.  I’m going back on the meds at a lower dose.  The no-med experiment failed, but I still do want to try a more gradual, controlled reduction.  I go back to the sleep doc on Monday, so we’ll see what she recommends.

 

I’m just grateful that I have people to take care of me.  I’m also grateful that I’m finally able to accept it.  Today I didn’t feel like I was a burden or I was overwhelming people or I was a black hole of neediness that would swallow everyone and everything, and that’s how I usually feel about asking for help.  It’s a pretty drastic shift for me to be able to accept it like this.

 

And Winston is doing MUCH better with the biting.  He still does it when he gets really excited, but he’s learning.  I’m going to be able to keep him.  I still think it was really irresponsible for the rescue organization not to tell me about the biting, but I’m  glad I have him.  I think it was just bad timing, when I got him and went off the meds at the same time.  But Winston and I are gonna make it, which makes me happier than I can tell you.

 

Many Thoughts, No Connections July 12, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 2:13 am
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I had a strange dream last night.  I was back at Bama, where I went to college, with the people from my kung fu class, and I ran into a bunch of the people from my US Yoshukai Karate (USYKA) dojo on campus.  None of the Yoshukai people remembered me.  Apparently US Yoshukai had split into two warring factions over which person should be in charge (very similar to reality: International Yoshukai and USYKA split over that), and so all my old friends were angry at each other.

 

It was strange because you’d think it would suck to find your friends all fighting and then realize they didn’t even remember you…but it wasn’t a bad dream, just weird.  Maybe it’s telling me I’ve moved on from my old life (Bama, USYKA) to a new life (Noho, kung fu).  Or maybe it doesn’t mean anything and I’ve just spent too long with psychoanalytic therapists.  🙂

 

*

 

I’m having serious doubts about whether I can manage Winston.  I love him, but he has some major behavioral problems the rescue agency conveniently forgot to inform me about.  Mostly, he bites.  I’m not talking about playful nips or mouthing.  He bites HARD, tears up my jeans, draws blood.  I look like I got in a fight with a pissed off bear.  Nothing I do really works–firm no, withdrawing attention when he bites, giving him chew toys, spraying water in his face, shaking a can of pennies at him.  Nothing.  If he gets really bad, I have to just put him in the crate until he calms down, which sometimes takes hours.

 

I’m really angry that the rescue group didn’t tell me this, and I’m really worried I’m going to have to give him back if I can’t get the biting under control.  And then I feel like an inexcusably terrible person.  I mean, if I had a kid with behavioral problems, I wouldn’t just give up on him.  I don’t know what to do.

 

*

 

I think I’m doing better without the meds.  I feel less reactive and out-of-control, more stable.  So that’s good.  I see the sleep doc again on Monday, so I’ll see what she has to say.

 

I have to reschedule my therapy, though.  I feel dumb because I carelessly scheduled them the same day, and I’m embarrassed to call NT1.0 and tell her.  Which is ridiculous, I know.  I just hate admitting that I screw things up.

 

*

 

I’m now an official volunteer for Obama for America, which is pretty awesome.  I met with their local volunteer recruiter last week, and tonight I went and helped for a while with a phone bank before kung fu.  It’s weird–I generally hate being on the phone and don’t even answer my own most of the time, but I’ve done both telephone fundraising and telephone surveys in the past when I desperately needed a paycheck.  This was much easier because we were calling from a list of people who’d already expressed support for the President, so when you actually got someone on the phone, they weren’t likely to yell at you.  Plus, we’re not asking for money, just whether they’ll support the President and if they’re interested in volunteering.  And unlike working at a call center, you don’t have your supervisor yelling at you about how you’re not making quotas–which is good because in 45 minutes I only reached two of the people on my list.

 

There’s a local organizing meeting tomorrow night, and I’m going to that, too.  Should be pretty cool–there are some interesting people involved, and it’s nice to feel like I’m involved with something that matters.

 

Bad July 10, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 3:04 am
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I feel like a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad person today.

 

I feel like I’m a bad puppy parent.  Why?  Because Winston had a few accidents in the house.  Because he chews on everything and bites me, hard.  These are totally normal, if undesirable, puppy behaviors.  I know this, but I still feel like a terrible person.

 

And I feel like I’m a bad therapy client.  I feel like I failed because I couldn’t make it work with NT2.0, and I’m irrationally convinced that I’m going to ruin things with NT1.0 and make her hate me.

 

I even felt like I was bad at kung fu tonight, for no reason at all.  Hell, I nailed some flying side kicks, but I still feel like a gigantic fucking failure.

 

I suspect this is all from going off my meds suddenly.  Yes, they were prescribed for sleep–but two of them were antidepressants.  It may be that I need an AD to augment the L-methylfolate, or it could be that I’m just adjusting to going off the AD’s so quickly.  It’s definitely worse at night, and I’m not sure why.  I take the L-methylfolate in the morning and had been taking the AD’s at night, so it could be that the L-methylfolate is out of my system by nighttime–its half-life is only 3 hours.  I should talk to Nurse about that tomorrow.

 

I’m trying to hang onto the knowledge that I’m not a terrible person and this is just my brain chemistry going wonky, but it’s really hard and isn’t helping much right now.  I hate asking for help, especially right now (just more “proof” that I’m a bad person), but I could really use some reassurance and support.

 

Winston! July 7, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 11:06 pm
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Winston says hi!

Is he not the cutest fucking thing in the entire universe?

I don’t think you can see just how enormous his paws are in the pictures. He’s going to be a BIG boy.

He has a bit of a biting people problem. Well, not biting them–more like kind of chewing on you a bit. I did get him a squeaky chew toy he likes, but he’s totally uninterested in the Kong chew toy with the treat inside. I’ve also had to rescue several shoes from him already.

We’re also gonna have to train him not to chase cars and bikes. He’s more interested in the bikes than the cars, but still, let’s not chase them, honey. He’s totally in love with everyone he meets, and everyone’s pretty much in love with him. I took him on the bike path earlier, and this REALLY cute guy stopped to pet him and talk. Everyone wants to be your friend when you’ve got an adorable puppy.

I am sosososososo happy!

 

 
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