The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Lonely July 4, 2013

I’m frustrated with myself.

I’ve been home all of three days, but I’m already feeling alone and disconnected. I guess I should’ve seen that coming. I let myself get spoiled: I spent four months in a place where I always had somebody around to talk to who understood, and I let myself get dependent on that. Now I’m back to the real world, where most people don’t understand trauma and dissociation, and I have no friends or anything. And I’m sad.

I’ve also done zero internal communication since I’ve been home. I know I should, and I can’t even explain why I’m avoiding it. I guess I just don’t trust that my team would know how to help me if things got difficult. Their hearts are in the right place, but they don’t have experience.

I’m afraid. I don’t like admitting that.

It’s not like it was easy at Sheppard Pratt. God knows it wasn’t, and I spent plenty of time curled up in a ball crying, and there were a number of times I wanted to punch someone. Still, I was surrounded by people who understood trauma and DID–the other patients, too, not just the staff.

While I was there, my grandfather asked my social worker to keep me there longer and offered to pay for it. My reaction at the time was, “What the flying fuck?” but without the swear words, since we weren’t supposed to use them. But there is at least one part who wishes I had stayed forever. There were a lot of infuriating aspects to being there, but at least I was around people who understood what I was dealing with. There’s a kind of safety in that.

I wish I had real-life friends in my area with DID. I don’t want to feel this alone with it.


Still Waiting February 22, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 11:58 pm
Tags: , , ,

Looks like SP probably won’t have a spot for me until the end of next week, possibly the week after next. This is so frustrating. I know they can’t know for sure when they’ll have a bed available, but I feel like they’re just stringing me along. It’s been three weeks now of “We’ll have a spot next week.” Meanwhile, my whole life is on hold. I only buy a few days worth of food at a time, and I’m coming up with lies to tell my chiropractor and my kung fu teacher about why I’ll be disappearing for weeks.

I’m also told by their admissions person that I won’t have access to my cell phone or laptop. However, I’ve heard anecdotally from two people who’ve been there that patients were allowed to have computers. I’ll take mine, but who knows if they’ll let me keep it. If you want the address or phone number to contact me while I’m there, email me or leave a comment and I’ll email you.

I will say A is growing on me as a therapist. She doesn’t always quite get me, but she’s stopped treating me like I’m oh-so-fascinating. And she doesn’t get offended when I correct her assumptions/understanding of me. I also think she’s finally getting that I don’t need her to find the edges of what I can deal with and pull me back–most of the time, I’m pretty aware of what’s too much for me.

Plus I really like her dog. Any therapist who has their dig around for therapy has to be at least a half-decent person.

I’m still really ambivalent about the ED stuff. I’m still abusing laxatives and diuretics, and I know it’s gonna get interesting when I get to SP and can’t take 20 laxatives a day. Part of me says, “That sounds like a good reason to tell them what’s going on and get help.” Then another voice says, “Fuck that shit. There’s nothing wrong with what I’m doing. It’s my body, and I can do whatever I want with it. I don’t need anyone to fucking fix me.” And another: “They’ll make me gain weight even though I’m not even skinny. If I eat like normal people do, I’ll get fat again because my metabolism is totally shot. Maybe if I just restrict while I’m there, they won’t notice. I can blame it on my food allergies.” And, “You know you can’t just hide pieces and expect to get better. You can’t just have a side order of self-destruction and think you’ll be okay with just that much. God, haven’t you learned that by now?”

So I don’t know what I’m going to do with that. I feel like it’s kind of out of my control–like it’ll depend on who in my system is most in control at that point. Or maybe that’s a cop-out. I don’t even know right now.


Preparations February 15, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 2:10 am
Tags: , , ,

Sheppard Pratt will probably have a spot for me by the middle or end of next week.

Part of me says, “Finally!” Another part says, “Already?”

I’m suddenly very scared.

But I found foster care for Winston while I’m gone–the local animal shelter finds temporary foster placement in situations like ours. I took him in today for a behavioral analysis, and he passed. Really his only problem behavior is jumping on people when he gets excited–and he gets excited any time people other than me are around. It’s actually kind of cute how happy he is to meet people. If he were a smaller dog, the jumping would just be annoying, but he’s a 70 lb German shepherd/husky mix. He’s almost knocked me down more than once and could easily knock down a kid. And he gets wound up when he’s around a lot of people and critters, which is pretty much the description of an animal shelter.

So I was really proud of him for passing the test, and relieved they’ll be able to foster him. Means all our training is paying off! When I got him he was a serious biter–I’m talking tearing through my jeans and breaking the skin–and was not house trained. The rescue didn’t tell me any of this, so I was totally unprepared when I brought him home. I can’t afford to get a trainer, so we’ve done all his training on our own. Good boy, Winston!

I just don’t know what I’ll do without him for this long!

Gratuitous Winston picspam because he’s so cute.







Things February 7, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 9:45 pm
Tags: , , ,

–In a weird twist of fate, Bob emailed me while I was writing that last post. We’re talking again. I told him I’d be willing to do couples counseling. I’m not sure yet where the relationship is going.

–I’m near the top of the wait list at Sheppard Pratt. They estimate a week or two before they’ll have a spot for me. I’m desperately trying to find someone to take care if Winston while I’m gone.

–I got majorly stressed out at therapy this morning. Annie does sand tray therapy, which is one of the types of therapy I’ve never done. Expressive therapies stress me out because I feel like I’m being watched and judged, and the therapist’s interpretation of what I make might be full of incorrect assumptions about me. I’d rather just talk. Annie wanted me to play with the sand tray, and I couldn’t do it. I was tense, my heart was pounding, and it just made it worse because I was sure she was going to be pissed off if I didn’t do it, even though they never say so. I felt simultaneously like myself and a very frightened child. I don’t like when those parts of me get brought forward.


Better January 23, 2013

Doing better–bank error fixed. Still depressed as hell, but less stressed at least. Still need to fix Part D and Mass Health, but my team can do a lot of that for me. And my SSI back pay came in, so I have nearly $2000, thank the gods.

Finally on the waiting list for Sheppard Pratt. It’s a long wait, but at least I’m on the list.

And my weight is down into the 120’s. The upper 120’s, but still. I know it’s really screwed up to be happy about that…but I am.


%d bloggers like this: