The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Still Waiting February 22, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 11:58 pm
Tags: , , ,

Looks like SP probably won’t have a spot for me until the end of next week, possibly the week after next. This is so frustrating. I know they can’t know for sure when they’ll have a bed available, but I feel like they’re just stringing me along. It’s been three weeks now of “We’ll have a spot next week.” Meanwhile, my whole life is on hold. I only buy a few days worth of food at a time, and I’m coming up with lies to tell my chiropractor and my kung fu teacher about why I’ll be disappearing for weeks.

I’m also told by their admissions person that I won’t have access to my cell phone or laptop. However, I’ve heard anecdotally from two people who’ve been there that patients were allowed to have computers. I’ll take mine, but who knows if they’ll let me keep it. If you want the address or phone number to contact me while I’m there, email me or leave a comment and I’ll email you.

I will say A is growing on me as a therapist. She doesn’t always quite get me, but she’s stopped treating me like I’m oh-so-fascinating. And she doesn’t get offended when I correct her assumptions/understanding of me. I also think she’s finally getting that I don’t need her to find the edges of what I can deal with and pull me back–most of the time, I’m pretty aware of what’s too much for me.

Plus I really like her dog. Any therapist who has their dig around for therapy has to be at least a half-decent person.

I’m still really ambivalent about the ED stuff. I’m still abusing laxatives and diuretics, and I know it’s gonna get interesting when I get to SP and can’t take 20 laxatives a day. Part of me says, “That sounds like a good reason to tell them what’s going on and get help.” Then another voice says, “Fuck that shit. There’s nothing wrong with what I’m doing. It’s my body, and I can do whatever I want with it. I don’t need anyone to fucking fix me.” And another: “They’ll make me gain weight even though I’m not even skinny. If I eat like normal people do, I’ll get fat again because my metabolism is totally shot. Maybe if I just restrict while I’m there, they won’t notice. I can blame it on my food allergies.” And, “You know you can’t just hide pieces and expect to get better. You can’t just have a side order of self-destruction and think you’ll be okay with just that much. God, haven’t you learned that by now?”

So I don’t know what I’m going to do with that. I feel like it’s kind of out of my control–like it’ll depend on who in my system is most in control at that point. Or maybe that’s a cop-out. I don’t even know right now.

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5 Responses to “Still Waiting”

  1. Grainne Says:

    I was about to email you after I checked in here. Sorry they’re dragging their feet over at SP. xo

  2. kate1975 Says:

    Hi,

    I have not been in a hospital, so I cannot say this for sure about all or some of them. But I know that they do understand there is a connection between childhood trauma and eating disorders. Forty years ago they didn’t, when the field of eating disorders was just starting out, but they do know it now because their clients have told them over the decades.

    I’m sorry that you are still waiting. That is one of the hardest things to do when you need help right now. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Oh, I’m sure they understand the link between trauma and EDs. Their website even says they treat comorbid EDs. That’s not the problem.

      I am/we are the problem. I think in a lot of ways, the ED is the only thing letting us hold ourself together right now. It lets us numb the feelings and distance ourselves from everything, and that’s the only reason we’re surviving right now. If I let go of the death grip I’ve got on it, we’ll fall apart. I’m not sure we can afford to do that.

      • kate1975 Says:

        I understand what you are saying. I was responding to what you were writing, will they know, will they figure it out, will they care. I do understand what you are saying about your believing the eating disorder is holding it all together. Do you have other coping skills that you can try to use while you are there in place of the eating issues? Good and healing thoughts to you.

        Kate

  3. strangelings Says:

    They’re very likely to notice/be aware of your ED symptoms there- my friend whose DID who went to the ED program and had been to a bunch of those said they’re very, very sharp there. I’m pretty sure the trauma program is like that too.

    Your going to need to deal with it there, because if your numbing yourself from your feelings then you won’t be *able* to do the work, and there won’t be a point in being there. Plus, like I said, they’re very likely to notice, so it’d be better to be up front about it then have them catch you at it.

    I know what’s worked for me/us with si (not as much with ED stuff but- we haven’t done as much work on that) is to- view it as both a negative coping mechanism (but a coping mechanism all the same- and- our therapist kept asking what we were “saying” with it- what it was *communicating*. Not in some weird, “this is manipulative behaviour” way but- in a- seeing these things as a form of communication. And that really helped.

    As has- being able to look at what is the *actual* problem, that this is a *symptom* of? As in, what is causing us such distress we feel a need to do this?


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