Had therapy again today. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it.
(I need to give this therapist a name for this blog. I guess I could just go with A, since that’s her first initial.)
I was anxious that A would want me to do the sand tray again, and I was stressed out all morning about it. But she didn’t bring up the sand tray.
Nope. Instead, she wanted to talk about my parts/alters/others. (I feel like I should have a preferred term, but I don’t.)
That REALLY set me on edge. It didn’t feel quite safe–I feel like I don’t know her well enough yet to trust her with a lot of information about me/us. Names, for instance. Definitely not giving her those any time in the near future. I don’t know why it felt so unsafe. I did outline a few parts for her, which was a big accomplishment. I was so tense the whole time. When I’m really stressed or upset, I curl my toes up really tight. I’ve never heard of anyone else who does that, but when I have my toes all scrunched up, it’s a good sign I need to pay attention to my stress level. My toes were all curled up in my boots, but I pushed through it and chose to trust her, even if only in small increments. I guess it’s something.
It just seems weird to me that I’d be so hesitant to discuss the DID. I have spent over a year trying to find someone who knew enough to work with me on it. Now that I’ve found someone with some experience, I choke on my words. I’m too guarded to talk about it without feeling threatened. I guess it makes sense in its way–DID is a defense mechanism–but it frustrates me that it feels so dangerous.
I think my cold is getting a bit better, though. That’s something, at least.