The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Guarded February 13, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 5:07 am
Tags: , ,

Had therapy again today. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it.

(I need to give this therapist a name for this blog. I guess I could just go with A, since that’s her first initial.)

I was anxious that A would want me to do the sand tray again, and I was stressed out all morning about it. But she didn’t bring up the sand tray.

Nope. Instead, she wanted to talk about my parts/alters/others. (I feel like I should have a preferred term, but I don’t.)

That REALLY set me on edge. It didn’t feel quite safe–I feel like I don’t know her well enough yet to trust her with a lot of information about me/us. Names, for instance. Definitely not giving her those any time in the near future. I don’t know why it felt so unsafe. I did outline a few parts for her, which was a big accomplishment. I was so tense the whole time. When I’m really stressed or upset, I curl my toes up really tight. I’ve never heard of anyone else who does that, but when I have my toes all scrunched up, it’s a good sign I need to pay attention to my stress level. My toes were all curled up in my boots, but I pushed through it and chose to trust her, even if only in small increments. I guess it’s something.

It just seems weird to me that I’d be so hesitant to discuss the DID. I have spent over a year trying to find someone who knew enough to work with me on it. Now that I’ve found someone with some experience, I choke on my words. I’m too guarded to talk about it without feeling threatened. I guess it makes sense in its way–DID is a defense mechanism–but it frustrates me that it feels so dangerous.

*le sigh*

I think my cold is getting a bit better, though. That’s something, at least.

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5 Responses to “Guarded”

  1. Grainne Says:

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with starting slow when it comes to discussing DID. It’s not something that has been safe to share for a long time and it’s pretty natural to be anxious/guarded about something so deeply entwined with who you are. I was smiling through most of this blog though…I love that she’s pushing you a little and even more that you’re responding. Your defenses are working to protect you as they always have but you’re still allowing A in….a tiny bit. 🙂 (yay you!)

    Also glad your cold is getting better. xo

  2. Neloran Says:

    Whether or not A. ends up being a good fit for you (all), I think it is very brave that you took that chance and trusted her (even in increments). What matters in the end is you took a step towards trusting people again, and that is huge. Good to hear an update. Be safe and feel better soon.

    -Nel

  3. Pen Says:

    Oh wow. This is just getting weird. I do that toe scrunching thing too. But for me it has two meanings- stress is when I’ll just curl them tightly and when I’m getting impatient/excited with a book I’m reading they’ll sort of “flutter” as I compulsively flex them. My ex used to tease me on how she could tell when I’d gotten to the “good part” of a book by my toes.

    Glad the cold is better.

    I totally get you on the hesitancy. I know i seem super open on my blog about all the DID stuff. It’s the only place I am. I have no friends who are aware of it, no family, and I refuse to talk to doctors/therapists about it. It just has so much stigma attached to it and I want to continue to pursue a career in the field of law and I worry that if I get labelled as such in an officially capacity, it will make it near impossible for me to be respected and get done what I need to.
    If that makes sense…

    Anyway, I’m sorry it’s so difficult. Don’t let her force anything out of you that you don’t want to reveal. You don’t have to tell her any names ever if you don’t want to.

    Warm thoughts ❤

  4. kate1975 Says:

    Hi,

    I didn’t talk for six months about being multiple after starting to see a therapist familiar with DID and abuse. So no I don’t think there is anything wrong with taking some time to develop a healing relationship with a therapist before you trust them with someone so special and vulnerable as little pieces of you.

    Sometimes money is an issue, sometimes time is an issue, sometimes insurance is an issue, but always being wounded and needing to heal and being in part is always an issue in talking, sharing, and healing. No matter how hard it was or how little you were able to share, you are still incredibly brave! Keep holding onto that truth.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  5. athenivandx Says:

    Being guarded simply means that you are being SMART. You all have an OBLIGATION to protect one another.
    If you feel safe at some point and think that sharing about the other PEOPLE sharing your body, you and they will share. If not, you won’t. It’s just as simple as that. And before sharing anything about someone else inside, MAKE SURE YOU GET THEIR PERMISSION! Do NOT let anyone be pressured by therapist or anyone else, to share anything without permission. Your inner family will thank you for that
    Ivan


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