I keep thinking about Bob (my ex-boyfriend/best friend), and then I can’t sleep at night. When I finally do get to sleep, I dream about him. Not sad dreams–just normal ones where we’re together and happy again. I almost think sad dreams would be better.
I never thought I’d be one of those girls who pines away over some guy. I thought my asexuality made me immune to that. If I’m being honest, I always used to look down on people like that. “Just let that person go,” I thought. “It’s not that hard.” I only thought it wasn’t hard because I’d never let myself love anyone and I’d never let anyone love me. Before Bob, I had never really missed anyone, not even the people who had been my closest friends. I thought I had formed attachments to people, before Bob, but now I’m not sure I ever did. It’s always been so easy to let go.
I keep thinking I should’ve tried harder. I should’ve agreed to couples therapy. I should’ve found an individual therapist who could help me undo my asexuality–maybe he was right and the asexuality is just because I was abused. And even if I couldn’t undo the asexuality, I could’ve learned to tolerate sex with Bob. If I could tolerate sex with my father, surely I could tolerate sex with Bob. I could’ve married him and had kids. I wouldn’t be a perfect mother, but I could probably do okay.
I always scorned women who tried to change for their partners. Still do–myself most of all. But surely we all change for each other. Why did changing for a capital-R Relationship feel so threatening? Why did I fear losing myself so much that I clung to a rigidly-constructed, unyielding self?
Because my father decimated me, of course. Always that.
I want to beg Bob to take me back, tell him I’ll do whatever he needs, be whoever he needs. But what if what he needs is my absence? I’m assuming that’s his need because I haven’t heard from him in months. I emailed him to ask if he was avoiding people in general or me in particular. It took me weeks to send because I wasn’t sure how I’d survive if his answer was “You in particular.” Several days later, he replied to say he wasn’t ignoring me, he just wanted to make sure he got the words right. That was weeks ago, and I haven’t heard from him since. I imagine him surrounded by friends, maybe even a new girlfriend, never thinking of me. That’s probably not the reality, but I have no way of knowing. In part, I want it to be true. I want him to be happy and loved. If I’m too broken to give him the life he wants, then I hope with all my heart that someone else does. God knows he deserves it. He’s so kind and loving and good, and he deserves everything good in life.
But I want so badly to be able to be that person for him. And I want to be happy and loved too. I want him to love me. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I’ve never wanted that with anyone else.
But what right do I have? I dumped him and then didn’t talk to him for months. I told myself I ended it so he’d be free to find someone who could give him sex and a family. That was true…but only part of the truth. The rest of the truth is I was scared and hidden. I hid from telling him how I felt about being touched, I hid from telling him he reminded me of my father (physically, not behaviorally), I hid from telling him how hard the relationship was. I was too scared to be open and too scared to change, so I ran way. I went even more silent. I hurt him. So what right do I have to ask him not to be silent? What right do I have to ask him to let me back into his life or his heart? What right do I have to tell him I still love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life?