The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Rage February 6, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 12:02 am

I’m very much on edge right now.

Actually, I’m angry. I want to hurt someone, but I’m the only one here.

Had a terrible therapy session. I don’t remember exactly what happened, even though I remember thinking I was present. She wanted something from me, some answer, but she wouldn’t tell me what she wanted and insisted she wasn’t looking for anything specific. Not sure what the question was. And I remember feeling like I was being treated like an idiot child. I hated her so much.

She asked me what I wanted to say, and I said I didn’t know. I didn’t want to SAY anything. I wanted to throw things at her, wreck her perfect office and her perfect life, and run away.

I don’t even know why I was so angry. I can’t remember. It’s like a dream, dissipating when you wake up. But the rage, the rage sticks with me.

And then, afterward, my ride didn’t show up. It was freezing cold, my back hurt, and it was a two mile walk to the bus stop. No one on my team picked up their phones until after I was supposed to be back in Northampton for the team meeting. I waited in a gas station convenience store for someone to come get me. I wanted to scream at them, but I couldn’t. I was nice. “It happens,” I said. I wanted to say it shouldn’t happen. I wanted to scream it.

I think I’m just not worth helping. I’m too impossible, too broken, and everyone is giving up on me. As they should.

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7 Responses to “Rage”

  1. Neloran Says:

    I’m sorry you had such a rough day. But I also wanted to say that I am in awe at your ability to keep moving forward, each day. Please, please, keep on keeping on.

    -Nel

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I don’t really feel like I’m moving forward. I’m just fighting the tide, barely keeping my head above the water. I’m just so exhausted with everything…but I’m probably too damn stubborn to give up.

  2. I’m sorry it’s been so hard.

  3. Grainne Says:

    I’m glad you’re feeling the anger and that parts of you are expressing it. Therapy does sound like it was horrible but sometimes it’s the most horrible sessions that help the most. (Hoping anyway).

  4. kate1975 Says:

    So sorry this happened.

    “I think I’m just not worth helping. I’m too impossible, too broken, and everyone is giving up on me. As they should.”

    How perfectly ridiculous. You are an absolutely wonderful person. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  5. o3broken Says:

    I identified with this post so much. I too have had the same types of thoughts in therapy–sometimes it is just so hard, but together, we make it through to the next day.

  6. strangelings Says:

    If anything, you need to actively and appropriately express your anger more- I’ve seen you turn it around and swallow it for so long- it does you no good that way, the rage.


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