I’m very much on edge right now.
Actually, I’m angry. I want to hurt someone, but I’m the only one here.
Had a terrible therapy session. I don’t remember exactly what happened, even though I remember thinking I was present. She wanted something from me, some answer, but she wouldn’t tell me what she wanted and insisted she wasn’t looking for anything specific. Not sure what the question was. And I remember feeling like I was being treated like an idiot child. I hated her so much.
She asked me what I wanted to say, and I said I didn’t know. I didn’t want to SAY anything. I wanted to throw things at her, wreck her perfect office and her perfect life, and run away.
I don’t even know why I was so angry. I can’t remember. It’s like a dream, dissipating when you wake up. But the rage, the rage sticks with me.
And then, afterward, my ride didn’t show up. It was freezing cold, my back hurt, and it was a two mile walk to the bus stop. No one on my team picked up their phones until after I was supposed to be back in Northampton for the team meeting. I waited in a gas station convenience store for someone to come get me. I wanted to scream at them, but I couldn’t. I was nice. “It happens,” I said. I wanted to say it shouldn’t happen. I wanted to scream it.
I think I’m just not worth helping. I’m too impossible, too broken, and everyone is giving up on me. As they should.