The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Explanation January 31, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 3:25 am

I think my last post just kinda erupted out of nowhere, huh? I’ll try to explain, though I’m not sure it’ll make things any clearer.

I think what really pushed me over the edge today was what I interpreted as a snippy response from the admissions person at Sheppard Pratt. My team leader had emailed to say I was looking for an individual therapist who could work intensively with me around establishing internal communication and cooperation with my alters. The woman’s response was along the lines of “We basically only do stabilization so yay CBT and DBT.” Those don’t help me.

They also won’t let me keep taking a supplement I need. I have a genetic condition that keeps my body from being able to process folic acid, MTHFR polymorphism. It causes severe depression and prevents me from responding to antidepressants. But it’s not FDA approved, so they won’t let me take it. There is a prescription version, but since my insurance doesn’t cover it, it costs three times what the supplement costs.

I dunno, it sounds so trivial when I’m writing it out. I guess I’m just so close to my tipping point all the time these days that it doesn’t take much to send me over the edge.

And I have to figure out what to tell my family about going to SP. They don’t have to pay for any of it, but they’ll throw a fit anyway, say I’m being manipulative and just doing it for attention.

And I’m stressed and guilty about hiding my eating disorder. My cardiac arrhythmia is back; I can feel it, and I keep wishing it were bad enough that I’d just drop dead. I hate that I’ve turned into a liar. I hate myself for everything so much it’s unbearable. I can’t even stand listening to what I’m writing.

Sorry.

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13 Responses to “Explanation”

  1. Grainne Says:

    I care, even when you don’t. I hate that you’re having such a hard time. I wish I could take it away.
    Much love x

  2. Neloran Says:

    There is a lot of psychoeducation, CBT, DBT, etc. There’s even a DBT group. And yes, since it is an inpatient level of care, a core piece is absolutely about safety. You’ll be checking in on your system’s safety so much it might get irritating.

    But the program is specialized for trauma related disorders. You get exposure to a lot of coping tools that may help with internal communication (i.e. Containment). Really, its your individual sessions and your homework assignments where you do a lot of that work.

    I do hope in the end you get the help you need right now. But remember that whatever happens, you have a lot of support. We care very much. 🙂

    -Nel

  3. That’s just really shitty. I’m sorry to hear about your genetic dysfunction, and the way they don’t want you to take the supplements that help you. It’s plain demeaning and I could understand every bit of manic rage you get into over it.
    Your family obviously sucks. Families often do, You can’t pick them. I guess that’s what they invented the concept of friendship for. Don’t give a damn what they say or think, you’re doing what you’re doing for yourself.
    I wish you the best of luck.

  4. you don’t have to be sorry, this is where you’re at. sorry it’s so awful for you right now xo

  5. kate1975 Says:

    Is there the possibility of them accepting the supplement if your doctor writes a prescription for the supplement? Doctors can do that. I know someone who had her vitamins written for her by her regular doctor and they were treated as though they were scripts. I’m not sure if SP would be willing to allow that, but you could ask them. Perhaps they will.

    Thinking of you. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  6. kate1975 Says:

    How long were you going to be at SP? A month? I could send you the money.

    Kate

  7. That doesn’t sound trivial at all. I’m sorry to hear you haven’t been doing so well these past couple of days. My thoughts are with you. *hugs*


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