I haven’t written about what’s going on in my head for several days because I don’t really know. I’m cut off from feeling anything.
I think I’m cut off from a great deal of myself, actually. I think there’s a lot going on that’s beyond my reach, and I’m not going out of my way to grab at it.
I can’t focus. I can only knit a row or two at a time. I put on a DVD and then realize I have no idea what happened in the movie. Trying to read is a joke. I can’t keep track of time.
My weight is under 130, making for a 35 lb loss in the last 3 months. I’m overusing laxatives still, of course, but with less desperation than a week or two ago. I have a very short list of safe foods.
I think my foot may finally be healed enough to resume normal activity. Yesterday I walked to town and back (a mile and a half each way) without the brace and with only a little plan. I’ll try going back to kung fu tomorrow night.
I’m on the waiting list for Sheppard Pratt. Right now my instinct is to say nevermind, I don’t need it. I know that’s not true; I know the chaos and desperation are still present, just behind my walls. And I’m not happy with this way of being. I know that. But for now, during the waiting, the numbness is okay. I actually kind of hope it stays until I get to Sheppard Pratt, although I know almost certainly it won’t.