Total hysterical meltdown this morning. Sobbing shaking hyperventilating. I can’t handle my life and I don’t want anyone else to try to fix it for me. Don’t want my life fixed. Not the bank or Part D or Mass Health or any of it.
Got the yes from Sheppard Pratt. Now the six week waiting list. Stupid. Why did I think this would help. I’m too broken to be fixed.
I just want out. Even if everything that’s wrong now gets fixed, I’ll fuck something else up again. It’s all I do. Things get better but then they blow up in my face again. I’m only good at breaking things. I need out of this cycle.
Psychiatrist says up the Viibryd. Like that’s gonna help. I’m the problem, not my brain.
Have to get out. Have to get out.
Basically I drug myself with Benadryl, sleep, take Winston out, take more Benadryl, sleep more. Can’t deal with being conscious. Can’t deal with being alive.