The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

January 22, 2013

I can’t do this. I’m trying so hard, and I just can’t.

The admissions person from Sheppard Pratt called because she wanted my secondary insurance info. But I still haven’t fixed the Mass Health error, so probably now I won’t be able to go to Sheppard Pratt.

And I don’t have time to fix that tomorrow because I need to fix my bank account. The fraudulent charges haven’t been removed yet, so I have negative money and no groceries.

And I’m hella suicidal. I just can’t deal with my life because everything is fucked to hell. I just need to be dead so fucking bad.

Also I’m pretty sure I’m just shitting out my bowels at this point…but I can’t lay off the laxatives. Literally CANNOT. I think I’ve taken at least 16 today, maybe 20. How did it get this bad? It’s just the only thing calming me down. I need help but I can’t tell my team because I can’t face admitting that I’ve been lying to them for months about whether I was relapsing into the ED. I’m a fucking liar, and I’m disgusting, and I need to be dead.



5 Responses to “”

  1. Grainne Says:

    Oh god…:( I just woke up from a dream. I’m in no shape to make thoughts string together so forgive me when you read this if it’s garbled. I hate that youre feeling like this and struggling to hard. I know it’s got to be near impossible to break that cycle with the laxatives but *please* be careful with them. Drink lots of water okay? Also, you’re lying about your ED because that’s part of its nature. I don’t think it makes you an outright liar. I wish I could say these things to your face.

    Don’t give up yet. When you can find a way to confide in your team, you’ll maybe feel better supported…? (Just please don’t give up yet. xo)

    • Grainne Says:

      I sound like I’m lecturing you. I’m not. 😦 Just dazed from sleep and worried about how you are. xoxo K. Will stop re-reading what I post now.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      It’s so stupid, though. I won’t take actual anxiety meds because then I’m not -gasp- in control. Meanwhile I’m out of control with the laxatives because I’m just a fucking idiot.

      I’m not too worried about dehydration. I drink lots of water. My electrolytes aren’t doing anything funny either. Just the cramps and pain, which is my own goddamn fault and the only thing making me feel halfway okay with being alive right now. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me tonight.

      I never lied about my eating disorder before. Well, to my mother, but that’s justified. I left out information but never lied. But phoebe asked me point blank a month or two ago if I was relapsing, and I said no. I just know they won’t get it. They’ll try, and they’ll be kind and caring, but they won’t get it. Hardly anyone does because my ED isn’t like most people’s. And they’ll try to take it away from me, and I fucking need it right now because it’s all I have anymore.

      Sorry. Don’t know why I’m so crazy tonight.

  2. Oh dear! My goodness girl, you sure have an overwhelming amount of anxiety sweeping you up! Look, I haven’t read much but this first thing that popped up (although I will, I promise) so I apologize if I’m being too forward!
    I think you’ve had enough laxatives for atleast today so that’s one less decision you have to make. No more is the logically one. Fuck what ED says. I promise. I wouldn’t lie.
    It’s hard to see it now. But relapse is apart of recovery. I learn that the hard way every time. So don’t give up. It will come to you. You will remember why you forgot and relapsed to begin with and you will prevail. Be strong. Be courageous 🙂

  3. Pen Says:

    I don’t have any words of wisdom, like I never do. I wish so much that I did. I’m very sad that things are so hard for you. I wish I could bring you over some comfort. I don’t know what you’re favorite food is, but I would try to bring that. Assuming it wouldn’t be triggery. If it is, I wouldn’t. I don’t want you to be in any more pain that you already are.
    I would at least want to sit with you. Maybe bring Zoe. We could both sit and pet our dogs. Watch them romp.
    I care about you. I know it’s hard. I’m struggling bad with the ED myself, so I have no magic words of solution. But you are loved. You are one of my favorite people. One of the few who’s words make me smile. I don’t even mean “just in the blogging world”. I mean of everyone I know. There aren’t many who can truly get me to smile. I hope I don’t lose that.

    You are a truly truly wonderful enjoyable person. I hate that life is so painful for you. I also hate the stupid bullshit of medical insurance and money and crap like that.

    So much safe hugs and healing thoughts ❤ ❤

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