The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Too Much January 17, 2013

I’m completely overwhelmed with life right now.

We still haven’t heard from Sheppard Pratt about whether they’ll accept me. Hopefully by the end of the week…but maybe not. I don’t know why, but I’m terrified they won’t take me, that I’m either too sick or not sick enough.

And then there’s Social Security and Medicare that I’m trying to deal with. I have been so out of it I didn’t notice I’ve only been getting 1/4 of the Social Security money I’m supposed to for the last several months, which is why my money situation has been so fucked. They also screwed with my Part D Medicare plan (prescription drug coverage) without telling me, so I have to get them to fix that too.

The woman was so rude on the phone yesterday that I started sobbing–I never do that. She just kept bullying me about why I didn’t fix the problem earlier and how could I not have noticed I wasn’t getting the right amount for 5 months and so forth. HELLO I HAVE A PSYCHIATRIC DISABILITY I CAN’T DEAL WITH SHIT ASSHOLE.

So I apparently have to go to their office–45 minutes away, on a different bus system that doesn’t intersect with mine, and the office is only open part-time–with my lease and utility bills, which they’ve never asked for before. Now in paranoid that they’re going to say I have income I don’t actually have and therefore I’m not eligible for Social Security. Then I’d lose all my insurance too. I know I’m probably catastrophizing, but I can’t help it. When I applied for food stamps, they accused me of fraud because my income was less than my rent, even though I told them my family pays my rent but not food costs.

On top of all of that, I’m having the kind of nightmares that make me want to rip my brain out through my nose. Hospital nightmares. The latest was one where I was completely naked, alone in the room with a male staff person–a doctor, I think. He told me very matter-of-factly how he was going to stick needles in my body and under my fingernails and rape me repeatedly. I managed to get past him and out of the room, running naked down the hallway, but I was locked in because it was a hospital. I told a nurse what he said, and she decided I was psychotic and forced antipsychotics down my throat.

And I’m coping with all this via my eating disorder. I’m eating enough in front of people in my team that they don’t realize this is an ED relapse. They think I’m just depressed and have no appetite. I’m at a “normal” weight, after all, though it’s dropping slowly but steadily. I’m abusing laxatives pretty seriously. I’ll leave the details to your imagination, but it ain’t pretty. I’ve been purging occasionally, but not regularly and not coupled with binges. It’s surprising to me–even in my other restrictive relapses, I’ve had an insatiable urge to binge, but now I have very little desire to. I always thought of myself as bulimic, not anorexic, even when I met the diagnostic criteria for AN.

Right now, I feel like my ED is the only thing giving me stability, and I don’t want anyone to take it away from me. At the same time, though, I want somebody to notice and be concerned. I don’t think my Windhorse team has much experience with EDs–people who do would see a 30 lb weight loss, even if it only puts me in the normal BMI range, as a red flag given my ED history. I guess I want validation that I’m sick even though I’m at a “normal” weight. I wish that didn’t matter to me.

I just can’t take much more. People were not engineered to live under this much stress all the time. I’m coming apart–trying desperately to hold on, but my strength is giving out.


5 Responses to “Too Much”

  1. Grainne Says:

    I dreamed about you last night, I think. xo I’m feeling really overwhelmed too….wish I could be there. I’m here…which isn’t much, but I’m there in my heart. (that made no sense. I’m not functioning well, It appears)

  2. Pen Says:

    That nightmare sounds awful. I’m very sad to hear that. Hospitals are one of my biggest phobias too.

    I understand about the ED. I like the control aspect of it too. I know it isn’t safe and healthy- but there’s some few things I can really measure in my life right now…

    Lots of hugs and warm thoughts ❤ ❤

  3. Bourbon Says:

    Fingers crossed you hear very soon. Not knowing and being kept in limbo is a horrible state to be. xx

  4. kate1975 Says:

    I’m so sorry about the SS issues, how horrific. The best advice I can give you on being abused by phone is to hang up and call back again trying to talk to a different agent. It is not your fault, you were victimized by them, not the abuser. There is no reason that you should be treated like this. I’ve been yelled at and verbally abused and blamed and was finally able to do that, call back and get someone else. It took quite a while for me to realize that I deserved to talk to someone else, because usually not everyone at a company or agency is like that.

    I hope that everything gets settled for you and they give you all the money you were supposed to get. And I hope that the drug insurance gets fixed as well.

    I can understand how all this is so stressful, worrying, and unsettling and I understand how the ED could help you manage through all of this. I hope that you here soon from the facility and that the time until you get there goes by quickly. Good and healing thoughts to you.


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