Everything feels irreparable right now.
I’ll never be able to get a handle on my financial issues because SSI/SSDI just doesn’t give me enough to live on, and a year from now I’ll be homeless and without support.
I keep dreaming about Riggs and my wonderful therapist there, and in every dream I end up hiding because I don’t belong there anymore; I’m not allowed to have the support I need.
I still can’t walk.
My best friend/ex-boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, probably because we are both still in love but I broke up with him because he deserves someone who can give him sex and family and kids, and I can’t. I just don’t know why now–it’s been over a year since I ended it. He was the only one who kept me sane at Menninger–he called me every night and even flew down from Massachusetts to Texas to visit me for the weekend. Now I can’t tell him how much I’m struggling or that I’m going to Sheppard Pratt.
Also my weight is up 3 lbs for no apparent reason, despite the copious amounts of laxatives I’m taking. (I know. Spare me the lectures.) And when I go to Sheppard Pratt, no one will care that I’ve lost almost 40 lbs in 3 months because I started out overweight, and I’m still on the high end of normal. And no medical complications–I generally only get those when I’ve been purging.
God, I’m such a shallow little girl.
I want to kill myself so unbelievably badly right now. I don’t know if I can wait 6 weeks for Sheppard Pratt.