The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Ugh January 14, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 3:15 pm

Everything feels irreparable right now.

I’ll never be able to get a handle on my financial issues because SSI/SSDI just doesn’t give me enough to live on, and a year from now I’ll be homeless and without support.

I keep dreaming about Riggs and my wonderful therapist there, and in every dream I end up hiding because I don’t belong there anymore; I’m not allowed to have the support I need.

I still can’t walk.

My best friend/ex-boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, probably because we are both still in love but I broke up with him because he deserves someone who can give him sex and family and kids, and I can’t. I just don’t know why now–it’s been over a year since I ended it. He was the only one who kept me sane at Menninger–he called me every night and even flew down from Massachusetts to Texas to visit me for the weekend. Now I can’t tell him how much I’m struggling or that I’m going to Sheppard Pratt.

Also my weight is up 3 lbs for no apparent reason, despite the copious amounts of laxatives I’m taking. (I know. Spare me the lectures.) And when I go to Sheppard Pratt, no one will care that I’ve lost almost 40 lbs in 3 months because I started out overweight, and I’m still on the high end of normal. And no medical complications–I generally only get those when I’ve been purging.

God, I’m such a shallow little girl.

I want to kill myself so unbelievably badly right now. I don’t know if I can wait 6 weeks for Sheppard Pratt.


11 Responses to “Ugh”

  1. Grainne Says:

    ❤ I feel like I'm dying too. Wish I could be with you today….keep each other breathing. x

  2. Sorry this is such a crap time for you! I send a lot of hugs and I suggest you check out the book/website “How To Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting To Kill You”. I have found it to be a good distraction.

    Take it one day at a time. Each day will be different and it’s a chance for something new and awesome to happen! HUGS

  3. Pen Says:

    6 weeks does sounds really rough. I wish you could be there at *your* needed time, not theirs. Kinda seems counterproductive to the whole assistance of mental health.

    I don’t have many helpful things to say since I’m still struggling a lot with my body image and depressive/suicidal thoughts. But I’d love to sit here with you. Maybe pop in a dorky movie. Make fun of the awfulness. Roll our eyes about stupid people in the world who don’t get how life actually is.

    Lots of safe hugs and warm thoughts ❤ ❤

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Ha, yeah. I’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy, which I’m embarrassed to confess to liking. It makes me feel a little better because they’re all totally screwed up but still have lives.

      I’m having trouble even focusing on TV, though. My brain is so loud it distracts me from everything else. I think I need a lobotomy or something.

      Six weeks is SO LONG.

      • Pen Says:

        Aw, yeah. I had that the other night. Even with Red Dwarf, which is one of my favorite shows. Damn brain needs to shut its face.

        My friend Texas is in love with Grey’s Anatomy. My doctor-phobia is too bad. I’ve never been able to manage that show or House (another favorite of multiple friends). I’ve done a couple episodes of Scrubs all right, but any time it get too “medical-y” I balk.

        Which is sort of funny because this reality show having to do with an antique shop called “Oddities” (they deal in weird shit) has this whole thing with old medical equipment and those are my favorite episodes.

        …and I’m dating a paramedic.

        My brain be effed up.

        Okay, how about we watch……..Pawn Stars? Have you seen Shawn, the gun expert? He’s super cute. Do you do boy oogling? I feel like I’m overstepping our internet-friendship. Lol. My apologies if I am. Just trying to get a little bit of distraction your way. Maybe a slightly smile. Or your eyebrow knitting together because you think I’m bonkers. Either is perfectly acceptable.

        Much love ❤

  4. kate1975 Says:

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


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