The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Survive January 12, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 2:49 am

Looks like I’m probably going to go to the trauma program at Sheppard Pratt in Baltimore. We’re still looking for unlocked programs that take Medicare, but I really don’t think they exist. Sheppard Pratt is locked, but it’s less restrictive than River Oaks, the other place I was looking at.

However, they have about a six-week waiting list. That part really sucks–I don’t know how I’m going to hang on for that long. I’m so anxious and depressed, and I really feel like everything is utterly hopeless.

I really, REALLY want to binge and purge right now. I’m do on edge. I can’t focus on anything–not books or movies or even my knitting. I need some sort of release, and healthy coping skills don’t work for me. But if I buy b/p food, I’ll be early out of money for the month.

God, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to survive myself right now.


4 Responses to “Survive”

  1. synthgirl Says:

    You are obviously a good writer. Does writing seem to help?
    You also knit, so you must be creative beyond the writing… do you have any art supplies that could help you express how you’re feeling and relieve some of the pressure? Like paint, crayons, or materials for making collages? Perhaps you could pick one of your poems and illustrate it… Or make a scrapbook of your writings/art? Or a visual record of your knitting projects, perhaps? What about starting a new blog on your favorite sci-fi movies?

    Also, please keep in mind that helping others when you’re down always helps… even when I just surf around and encourage people on their blogs, I find that I have more hope and emotional endurance. Volunteer work — even with animals — can strengthen people who badly need help themself (I know from experience!).

    Again just wanting to help… ingredients for foods are less expensive… could you perhaps bake or cook your b/p type items instead of buying them? Would that help you “hang onto” them, since they are more valuable because you made them yourself? Of course, if it’s still too tempting, I hurriedly retract this suggestion…! 😳

    Well, I really do feel for you. Please keep blogging, at least. Then you will get little feedbacks from people who care — that may at least show you that you are not totally alone. And if you write it all out in a journal, you will have a 6-week record of this season of your life. You may even find that you are more prepared, more in tune with your own needs, when the time comes. If nothing else helps, I have even talked/cried into a recorder, just to provide some form of release…

    You CAN make it!!! πŸ˜‰

    — SynthGirl

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I don’t really write anymore. I mean, I blog and journal, but that’s not creative work. I haven’t been able to write in years. When I try, everything just comes out dead, and then I feel even worse. I hate it.

      Knitting really isn’t that creative–it’s just following someone else’s instructions. I’m bad with art because I’m terrible at spatial stuff, which is a huge part if both knitting design and art.

      I had been doing a fair bit of volunteer work, but right now I’m pretty limited in that I can’t walk and don’t have a car. I see the orthopedist Tuesday, and hopefully he’ll fix my foot so I can walk again. Sitting alone in the apartment is making me even crazier. Or if he can’t fix my foot right away, at least give me a walking cast or something.

      I don’t think making b/p food is the best idea. The idea is NOT to b/p. I tend to develop major health problems really fast when I start purging–hyponatremia, hypokalemia, prolonged QT-c interval, and arrhythmias. And once I start purging, I keep going until I’m almost dead. Starving myself isn’t ideal, but it’s less dangerous to my body than purging.

  2. One moment at a time, that’s the only way. It’s good news that there’s somewhere to help you, and that it’s not as restrictive as some other places. Six weeks sounds like forever, and it feels like it too, but the time will pass. We play mindless games on the computer, or listen to music, anything that doesn’t involve much brain power. We just bought some grown-up colouring books and pencils to keep us occupied. Moment by moment.
    Sending you safe thoughts and care.


    • weordmyndum Says:

      I guess I’m just feeling stir-crazy. I can’t focus on anything, but doing mindless things leads to obsessive suicide thought and plans. I feel like I can’t win. I wish someone could just put me in a coma for the next six weeks.

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