The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

. January 10, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 11:12 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

Not doing well.

At all.

Want somebody to save me.

Will never be able to ask.

Don’t deserve it anyway.

Want to cut or puke.

Want to not feel anymore.

Fuck it. Wanna be dead.


12 Responses to “.”

  1. Neloran Says:

    I am right there with you. I have been dealing with bad thoughts all day and they have not let up. Wish I had something better to say. Be safe.


  2. Pen Says:

    Sitting here with you to try as be as supportive as I can over the internet. I hope you can be safe- I care about you and you brighten my days with your wit and love. Wishing I was closer so I could do a better job of being heroic.
    Lots and lots of love and piles of safe hugs and Zoe cuddles.

  3. synthgirl Says:

    U R not like THEM. U R U. Stop carving their name into your skin, plz.
    We believe in you. We have survived the shit, too.
    Stop it. Lift your head up, plz.
    Look at us. We believe in you.
    And we believe, this world is not COMPLETE
    without U.

    I been there, too.
    Too many graves, dug, with my name…
    But I am NOT there. I am here, holding out a hand to U…

    — SynthGirl

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I…really have I idea what you’re talking about. I’m not sure who this “them” is you’re referring to, and I’ve certainly never carved anyone’s name into my skin. Not my style.

      • synthgirl Says:

        Sorry my Little One was not more clear when she wrote that last night. You mentioned cutting… She wanted you to not cut yourself just because abusers (THEM) hurt you — like carving them into your skin. You already have to deal with their lingering effect on your insides… you deserve better than to have them still on the outside (your flesh).

        I apologize if I caused you any confusion or made any offense.
        Sometimes I get embarrassed what my Little Ones say… but we always have the same heart, wanting to reach out and help people who are hurting.

        I hope your hurt is better today. 😀

        — SynthGirl

  4. You do have worth. You belong. You are wanted and cared about. I know it’s hard when the dark places beckon, but stay safe.

  5. I wonder, and this is an honest question: If someone would actually “save you”, meaning they would take you in, relieve you of every responsibility, make you good food and force you to eat, guard you all the time so you don’t puke it up, be there for you 24/7, etcetera etcetera… do you think that would help?

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Don’t want to be saved.

      Want people to help us save ourself.

      Not the same thing at all.

      • I can see that. Doesn’t that make it hard for people to be of any help? I mean, most people I know tend to want to “do” something practical, pragmatical, to help.
        I can imagine it annoys you at times that people want to help but don’t understand your concept of it.

      • weordmyndum Says:

        The people I’m working with now do understand what I need–the program just isn’t set up to do it. Right now, I need more structure, a holding environment, and intensive trauma-informed therapy to get me stable so I can come back to Windhorse and work with them. My team is actually doing a lot to help, in terms of getting me into Sheppard Pratt, giving me more support in the meantime, and even helping me do stuff with my inability to walk.

      • I hope you’ll benefit from this new therapy thing… It’s good that you have so many people around you trying to help you 😉

  6. I don’t have words of wisdom, advice, or anything much to offer, just the acknowledgement that I hear your pain and frustration, for I live with these too as my constant companions.

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