The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Grasping at Mist January 6, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 4:37 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

How do I keep getting through the days and the nights?

They’re so long. So unbearable.

I can only watch the same DVDs so many times. I can’t focus long enough to knit more than a few rows. I can’t read.

I just sit here on my couch, waiting for something to change. I keep googling treatment facilities even though I know well and good that what I need doesn’t exist. Well, there are good programs; they just don’t take my insurance, so I’m shit outta luck. But I guess some part of me thinks if I keep hitting the refresh button, the perfect facility will materialize.

But it never does. And hope doesn’t materialize either. I haven’t heard from my team since yesterday, and I want them to call and check on me. (Jesus Fucking Christ, how needy can you be?) I want them to care enough to call because I can’t let myself call them. But they aren’t psychic; they don’t know I need that.

They also haven’t come up with any concrete ideas for treatment. I need something to hold onto. I need that so badly, but there’s nothing there.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

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8 Responses to “Grasping at Mist”

  1. Things will get better. The darkness feels like an eternity, but it is not and will not last.
    –JW

  2. Neloran Says:

    What’s wrong with being needy? I think you are expressing what you need right now to take care of yourself. If that includes requiring your support system to check-in, that is okay. Having someone hold your hand (as an expression, or literal) — despite what our abusers taught us – is okay, and everyone needs that from time to time. You are going through a particularly difficult time (it sounds like, I have been offline for most of December).

    Can you e-mail me (I can’t find a way to privately contact you)… neloran@gmail.com

    I just really wish there was some way I can help, and I wanted to talk to you about the treatment programs in private. I don’t know if I can, but it is worth a shot…

    Be Safe,

    -Nel

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Needy is a BIG DEAL for me. Most of my mother’s verbal an emotional abuse centered around training me that I didn’t deserve to have needs, and I’ve never been able to unlearn that. Then when I ended up in psych hospitals and got diagnosed as borderline, I was treated as though expressing needs (particularly interpersonal) was attention-seeking, manipulative, and Bad.

      I know rationally that these are vast distortions of human interrelatedness, I can’t convince myself emotionally that it’s okay to need things from other people.

      I’ll send you an email.

  3. Is there someone who could sit with you for a bit and help you do things that you feel are productive?


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