How do I keep getting through the days and the nights?
They’re so long. So unbearable.
I can only watch the same DVDs so many times. I can’t focus long enough to knit more than a few rows. I can’t read.
I just sit here on my couch, waiting for something to change. I keep googling treatment facilities even though I know well and good that what I need doesn’t exist. Well, there are good programs; they just don’t take my insurance, so I’m shit outta luck. But I guess some part of me thinks if I keep hitting the refresh button, the perfect facility will materialize.
But it never does. And hope doesn’t materialize either. I haven’t heard from my team since yesterday, and I want them to call and check on me. (Jesus Fucking Christ, how needy can you be?) I want them to care enough to call because I can’t let myself call them. But they aren’t psychic; they don’t know I need that.
They also haven’t come up with any concrete ideas for treatment. I need something to hold onto. I need that so badly, but there’s nothing there.
What the hell am I supposed to do?