My nurse is on my case about my eating. I guess it was inevitable.
“You’re getting skinny.”
LOL WUT. I’m 5’4″ and weigh 135 lbs. BMI of 23.2: nowhere near skinny. My low weight was 94 lbs, BMI 16.1.
And it’s not about being skinny anyway. Yes, I focus on weight, but not because of body image. It’s just hard data, verifiable proof that I’m achieving something, that I’m torturing myself well enough. It’s a way of proving to myself that I can do SOMETHING right in my life, even if it’s just fucking up. I couldn’t care less about my appearance or being skinny. That doesn’t matter to me and never has.
She tried to get me to promise to eat.
“I know everybody is getting you to contract for safety, but I want you to contract to eat.”
“I’m fine, really. I’m just really not hungry.” (Nothing about this statement is at all true.)
“The dog keeps growing, and you’re shrinking. That’s not how it’s supposed to go.”
“Puppies are supposed to grow.”
“What’ve you eaten today?”
“Uh…I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve eaten.”
“What about yesterday?”
“I don’t know. I can’t remember–you know how my memory is. I must’ve eaten something because I had kung fu.”
“And you eat with G (team counselor), so you eat twice a week.”
“Oh yeah yeah, G made me a think with tempeh and onions and squash yesterday. See, I ate. Ask him.”
Didn’t tell her that this is not just depression and dissociation affecting my eating, but I think she guessed that this is an actual ED relapse. Luckily she wasn’t TOO pushy about getting me to eat, and she doesn’t know I’ve been using/abusing laxatives or caffeine pills. But now the whole team is going to know.
God, why didn’t I just lie to her when she asked about my eating? I could’ve told her it was fine and I was just losing weight from walking everywhere and doing kung fu.
But I also feel somehow vindicated that she noticed I’m losing weight without me having to point it out.