The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Caught January 3, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 10:39 pm
Tags: , ,

My nurse is on my case about my eating. I guess it was inevitable.

“You’re getting skinny.”

LOL WUT. I’m 5’4″ and weigh 135 lbs. BMI of 23.2: nowhere near skinny. My low weight was 94 lbs, BMI 16.1.

And it’s not about being skinny anyway. Yes, I focus on weight, but not because of body image. It’s just hard data, verifiable proof that I’m achieving something, that I’m torturing myself well enough. It’s a way of proving to myself that I can do SOMETHING right in my life, even if it’s just fucking up. I couldn’t care less about my appearance or being skinny. That doesn’t matter to me and never has.

She tried to get me to promise to eat.

“I know everybody is getting you to contract for safety, but I want you to contract to eat.”

“I’m fine, really. I’m just really not hungry.” (Nothing about this statement is at all true.)

“The dog keeps growing, and you’re shrinking. That’s not how it’s supposed to go.”

“Puppies are supposed to grow.”

“What’ve you eaten today?”

“Uh…I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve eaten.”

“What about yesterday?”

“I don’t know. I can’t remember–you know how my memory is. I must’ve eaten something because I had kung fu.”

“And you eat with G (team counselor), so you eat twice a week.”

“Oh yeah yeah, G made me a think with tempeh and onions and squash yesterday. See, I ate. Ask him.”

Didn’t tell her that this is not just depression and dissociation affecting my eating, but I think she guessed that this is an actual ED relapse. Luckily she wasn’t TOO pushy about getting me to eat, and she doesn’t know I’ve been using/abusing laxatives or caffeine pills. But now the whole team is going to know.

God, why didn’t I just lie to her when she asked about my eating? I could’ve told her it was fine and I was just losing weight from walking everywhere and doing kung fu.

But I also feel somehow vindicated that she noticed I’m losing weight without me having to point it out.


6 Responses to “Caught”

  1. Maybe you didn’t lie because somewhere inside you there is a bit of self-preservation left that subconsciously wants you to survive.
    23.2, that’s quite all right actually… I wish I had your character strength, perhaps then my butt wouldn’t be the size it is xD
    Aren’t there more effective ways of torturing yourself? I don’t mean less destructive, just… more effective in releasing your anger. You seem quite angry to me. No critic, anger is the best emotion, but there may be better ways to put it to use. Just saying.
    Wishing you all the best, and hugs for that cute dog of yours!

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Eating disorders aren’t strength of character any more than cancer is strength of cell growth. It’s more than just choosing that method of torturing myself. A lot of research shows a difference in the way the neurochemistry of someone with an eating disorder responds to starvation versus a non-ED person’s, and some researchers suspect this is an evolutionary/genetic trait.

      It’s not simply a matter of choice. I mean, god knows, I love food. My body wants food. We aren’t biologically designed to survive the way I do. I would choose not to do this to myself if it were simply a matter of choice. But it’s not.

      • So… then technically there is no way to help you. If it’s all genetic (which is very well possible, I don’t know enough of the subject to have an opinion on that) and you have no choice, then there really is no other option than starve to death.
        Which is, if you ask me, a pretty gloomy prognosis, especially for someone like you, who is young, pretty, intelligent, and relatively free of responsibilities besides staying alive and feeding your pet (not judgmental here, I just state what I think, I can be wrong).

        I have been raised with the idea that conviction is the key to success, in every single case, and that there is no diagnosis, no condition, no situation, that you can’t get the better of by having enough conviction.

        I don’t know if this is right anymore, and I certainly don’t want to call you weak because the universe knows I think you’re a strong bitch. These days I consider myself weak for not having the conviction to rid myself of my schizophrenia. But on the other hand this advice, this “ideology” has made me surpass many problems, great small and legal, so… maybe it’s not all bollocks either?

        I hope you can find the conviction you need. I can’t tell how much that will be, but you are strong so you will make it. There is no version of this in which you fail. Failure is never an option.

        The best of luck and lots of support,

      • weordmyndum Says:

        When I say it’s not just a matter of choice, put the emphasis on “just.” I guess what I meant was it’s not just a matter of simply choosing to eat normally; I need some help from people outside my head.

        But choice is certainly a huge factor. That’s why I’m choosing to get help–because I know I’m out of control of my life right now, and trying to fix it on my own isn’t working. I’m still trying to convince myself to choose to get help with the ED, too; that one’s a bit harder.

        Basically, what I’m saying is that I can’t (right now) choose not to have symptoms, but I am choosing to ask for help.

      • I never really understood how ED’s that aren’t focussed on looks actually come into existence. I know it’s more about control than about looking good, but at the same time it seems odd to me that if you’re satisfied with how you look that you would grab for such a solution to your control-issue. Ah well, I suppose there’s a lot of research to be done yet on the chemical and genetical makeup of the phenomenon. If I weren’t an Art History failure I might want to investigate that. xD

        I’m glad you choose to seek help and I hope you’ll get the help you need. Try to have fun from time to time too. You don’t have to eat to have fun, but perhaps having fun will make you want to eat again 😉
        Best of luck and all my support!

      • weordmyndum Says:

        It’s similar to cutting, for me. You hate yourself so much you can’t contain it, and it has to erupt somehow. It’s just a slower and more socially sanctioned method of self-harm. I become obsessed with the weight, but not because I hate my body. A dropping number on the scale and the medical complications are just proof that I’m torturing myself enough. Proof that I can do something right, even if that thing is self-destruction

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