The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Doesn’t Matter January 2, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 5:16 am
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Tonight I’m so angry I can’t think straight. I’m angry I can’t get the help I need.

I want to lash out and hurt the people trying to help me. I hate that urge, so instead I want to hurt myself.

I know I need too much. Or I feel that way. I’ve tried so hard to convince myself that I’m not too much, but now pretty much the whole universe tells me I’m too much.

My family. They’re finally cutting me off at the end of the year. My grandfather has paid a ton of money for my treatment, and he wants to retire. I get that. But what do I do about the fact that I’m still in need of treatment?

I’m trying to get treatment on my own. Right now I need residential care for the depression and the trauma issues. And theoretically the eating disorder.

But then there’s Medicare, telling me I need too much. Medicare will cover psychiatric hospitalization, but their definition of “hospital” is so narrow it covers only locked units. It probably sounds silly and overblown to everyone when I insist that I cannot go to a locked unit. Oh, there goes Sara with her manipulative melodrama again; god, we’re all so sick of hearing it.

But I was beaten to a pulp in a psychiatric hospital and then told by the staff to forget about it. Then I was sexually assaulted every night for months. EVERY NIGHT, you bureaucratic bastards. You wouldn’t be able to go to another locked unit if that had happened to you.

But it doesn’t matter what happened to me. I’m crazy. I have no value to anyone. So it doesn’t matter what happened to me.

It doesn’t matter that the help I need is out there because I can’t afford it. It doesn’t matter how badly I need it it doesn’t matter that I’m teetering on the cliff about to fall off. It doesn’t matter if I die because I’m not worth anything anyway.


8 Responses to “Doesn’t Matter”

  1. manyofus1980 Says:

    It so isnt true. You do have worth. I wish you could see it. I am sorry you family wont help you. I am sorry it has come to this. Is there anywhere at all, finacially, that you can turn? Shelters, abuse safe havens, I dont know, as I am not in the USA, I dont know whats available. If nothing else ring a crisis line, and keep writing. We’re here, listening.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      No, there is nowhere to fucking turn. Do you really think I haven’t investigated every possibility? I don’t know why no one fucking believes me when I say I have. All a fucking crisis line is gonna do is send the goddamn cops and an ambulance to drag me off to the hospital so I can get raped a few more times because that’s apparently all I’m good for.

      Also, would you stay off my blog? Maybe you can’t be bothered to notice, but I delete all your comments. You’re a drama queen, and I caught you reporting another blogger’s post to a forum without any credit. I don’t need your shit on my blog.

      • manyofus1980 Says:

        First of all, there is no need to be so rude, mean, and call me a drama queen. Secondly the post you are referring to was a book review done by Bourbon from Crazy in the coconut and she knows and I apologised and I got the forum owner to take it down. thirdly, I was only trying to support you. Is my blog full of drama? No, it isnt. How can I be a drama queen when my blog only has my life stuff in it. Take a long hard look at your own blog before you go calling anyone else a drama queen, I will now report you to WP, and I will also show this to some friends, which I may add is my right to do. The internet is a public forum, your blog is public, if you stopped to look around, help may just be found, and stop dissing people that are only being supportive of you. And stop trying to break people and beat people down who are in vunerable spots, I am making something of my our life, thank you very fucking much.

      • weordmyndum Says:

        Nothing I said is a violation of WP rules, so good luck getting them to do anything. There are no rules against not liking someone and being clear about that.

        I don’t claim to be a nice person; I think I’ve made that abundantly clear on this blog. I say what I think, and I do t put up with unnecessary crap from anyone. Seriously, I’ve made that quite clear here. If you can be bothered to read that, then I can’t be bothered to care that you don’t like what I say.

        Im sure as hell not forcing you to be here or read anything I say. If you don’t like my attitude or what I have to say, don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.

      • manyofus1980 Says:

        Can we just start over? I dont want drama in my life. I am not saying I dont like what you have to say. Thats not what I am saying at all. I read because I care. We survivors need to band together, not tear each other down. Dont you agree? Or maybe you dont, I dont know. Either way, your right, its a free country, free speech and all. So yes you can say what you want, all I was saying is no need to be so cold, mean, etc about stuff when all I did was try to support you. Thats all I was trying to say really. And I didnt report you to WP, because thats stupid and I was reacting out of anger.

      • weordmyndum Says:

        Really not interested. Thought I was pretty clear about that.

  2. artyelf Says:

    I can’t go to hospital for the same reasons.
    I’m sorry you have no other options, no wonder you’re so angry.
    I wish I could offer you more.

  3. I’ve never been in a psych hospital, so I don’t comment from experience, but I can relate to the fear aspect. Just the thought of being locked up and restricted gives me shivers. To have the background of abuse in those places too must be truly terrifying. I’m so sorry that those places are one of your only options right now.


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