Because god knows how long it’s been since I did one of those.
I went to a really nice New Year’s Eve party. It was hosted by a Windhorse client and attended by Windhorse clients and housemates and a few friends/SO’s. It was low-key and relaxed, which I like.
I almost didn’t go. I had a serious meltdown over my cookie crisis–I’m talking curled up behind the sofa sobbing. I pulled myself together, but I kept crying for half the walk over there. I was sure I wouldn’t fit, that I’d just spend the whole time sitting silently in a corner.
Turns out I fit in just fine. I talked to people about everything from sci-fi to the relationships of blood types and vegetarianism to contra dancing. I connected with one woman in particular, an art historian/reflexologist who’s thinking about applying for a teaching job at Auburn (one of the two major universities in Alabama, where I grew up). I gave her a rundown of life in Alabama and advised her not to take the job until she’s spent at least a week in Alabama to see if she could live there. She showed me some reflexology thing on my foot that might help with my back. Dunno if it’ll help, but it’s sure worth a try.
I feel better when I’m around people I connect with, peers especially. You’d think knowing that would make it easier to get out and do stuff with people, but the anxiety gets SO bad leading up to any social event. I feel do certain that no one really wants me around, that they just invited me out of politeness or pity, that everyone will hate me. With those voices so loud in my head, I usually can’t motivate myself to go. And I can NEVER initiate social interactions for fear of rejection. I want to, though. I want to so badly.
I want to hang onto this feeling of acceptance, of fitting in seamlessly and without effort. It’s a really good feeling, and I want it to stay.