The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Terror, Compounded December 30, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 11:18 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

I can’t stop freaking out. I know I need more than Windhorse can give me, but I’m terrified of being hospitalized. I’m not talking about a little bit of anxiety–I’m talking about can’t quit crying, nose keeps running, shaking, hyperventilating panic. For days.

I try to keep busy. I’ve been playing with Winston and knitting madly. It doesn’t really help, though. Distractions don’t really work.

I haven’t told anyone at Windhorse what happened at the hospital in Iowa. They know I’ve had bad, retraumatizing experiences with hospitals, and they know how bad Menninger was. But that’s nowhere near the whole story.

Locked up, dehumanized, ignored, mistreated. Physically assaulted. Denied medical care and told to let it go. Repeatedly sexually assaulted. Silenced because no one would care anyway.

Different scenario now. Supposedly. Could be exactly the same, though. Stuck. Alone. 1500 miles from anyone who cares. Locked in. Controlled. Hated.

Can’t do it. Can’t. Not again. Can’t.

But I need this, I know. I’m too messed up to be outpatient right now. I just want somewhere that’s not locked and isn’t totally controlling. I want to be allowed to keep my shoelaces, my self-sufficiency, my dignity. But Medicare doesn’t cover that.

Why can’t I get what I need? How fucked up is it that, to get the help I need around the trauma, I have to go back into the same situation that caused a big chunk of the trauma?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how much more terror I can survive. Will the terror of being in the hospital fix the terror of the trauma, or will it just make the terror worse?


7 Responses to “Terror, Compounded”

  1. Aliz Says:

    I’m sorry that’s so hard to find a safe place. It shouldn’t be like this.

  2. loveheals Says:

    There is a part in you that knows
    How to hold and comfort
    The part that is terrified and scared.

    This is you, too.

    You may want to see if you can get Nick Luchetti or someone else at Windhorse who knows gestalt / Internal Family Systems / psychosynthesis / ego-state therapy to work with you in the DID language of alters that you know.

  3. I think it would help if you told them, if you can. It would help them to know and they–and whatever hospital you might go to–could better help you. Not that it would easy to tell the, obviously. I’m sorry this is so damn hard!

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Yeah, I know I should. That’s the hardest abuse for me to acknowledge. I was 19, an adult, no longer a helpless child. Hell, by that time I was halfway to my black belt in karate. But I never fought. I don’t think I ever even said no, and I can’t stop thinking my silence=consent. I was assaulted by another woman. I never even tried to make it stop: I never told her no, and I never told any of the staff what she was doing.

      I know, in theory, that it’s still not my fault. I still blame myself, and the shame seems unbearable. Even with the therapist I told, we never really discussed it. I couldn’t stand the shame.

      Sorry. This should probably just be its own post.

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