The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Terror December 29, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 4:52 am
Tags: , ,

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Please, someone tell me that it’s going to be okay.

I’m having a very hard time not killing myself tonight.

I can’t find a program that fits my needs and takes my insurance. I’m terrified of ending up locked in where people will hurt me again—I was abused in a psych hospital.

I’m do scared I can’t stop crying.

There has to be an answer, right? There must be something. I just don’t know where else to look.

Tell me it’s going to be okay.

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16 Responses to “Terror”

  1. artyelf Says:

    It’s going to be okay.
    I understand how hard it is to be terrified of going to a locked ward after being hurt in one. But you can tell the people there, as soon as you get there, what has happened to you previously and why you are so afraid. Perhaps you could work out a ‘safe place’ with them, so when you are feeling most scared, you can sit there and staff will see this as a signal you aren’t coping.
    I hope you can work something out, your last few posts show how much you need some respite and help.
    You are in my thoughts xox

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I don’t trust anyone enough to just meet them and then say, “Oh, by the way, I was beaten to a pulp and repeatedly sexually assaulted in a hospital.” I’ve only ever told one therapist, and that took more than a year and a half.

  2. The pain will pass, I know it is hard to believe right now but it will. just give yourself a little more time and if by next week you don’t feel better, you can still have the option.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I think we’re far past the point of being able to wait a week. Things have already been going downhill for weeks.

      • try another week. Give yourself time. I am sure things are not the same as they were yesterday though they may seem it. The pain will lessen. just try and distract yourself from the pain

      • weordmyndum Says:

        Seriously? If you can distract yourself from the pain, then you probably don’t actually have depression.

        If I’d broken my leg, you wouldn’t tell me to ignore the pain and wait a week. Just because it’s in my head doesn’t mean it’s any different.

        Okay, granted, I can’t get admitted to a trauma program until next week, but seriously? Go read the 857425 other posts where I’ve said distractions don’t work for me.

        I just do not have the energy to be polite anymore. If you’re going to tell me what I should do with my life, at least get to know some of the backstory.

      • are you serious you are going to tell me i don’t know anything about depression. I am there now wanting to slash my wrists and cut my heart out, how many times have you tried? I’ve tried 10 times and failed. i’m only trying to help you but if you dont wan tmy help you fink then why post you are going to kill yourself

      • weordmyndum Says:

        Oh for fuck’s sake. Keep your melodramatic attempts at guilt trips to yourself.

        There’s also a huge difference between saying “I want to kill myself” and “I’m going to kill myself.” Mens rea and actus reus: learn the difference.

  3. least your still alive calling me an asshole

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Did not call you an asshole. Also did not say I was going to kill myself.

      Really, quit while you’re ahead less behind. If you come on my blog and start a fight, I will finish it.

  4. australopith Says:

    It’s going to be okay. And then it won’t be okay again. And then it will. Again. This is my experience. It pisses me off but at the same time I think that’s just life. Sometimes things go okay and then shit gets all messed up and things really aren’t okay. I don’t even know if I believe it because when things are “okay” for me they aren’t okay like I imagine they are for other, stable, adjusted people. But I work with what I have. When I’m down I try to remember that there are times when things aren’t so bad and even though it doesn’t seem like it, those times will come again. Stay strong.

  5. lindakay1948 Says:

    What can I say? If you look for the good, I believe you will find it.

    I’ve asked, in the past, whether you’ve tried prayer, but I don’t think you answered me. You just ranted about people who are trying to evangelize. I wrote out some of MY story but I don’t know if you ever read it. You probably think that Christians like me are pretty out there, but actually I felt similar to you when I was young and lived as an Agnostic for about a decade.

    It’s up to you. From what I’ve seen from your posts, you are very pretty, can knit a WHOLE LOT better than I can, are much more knowledgable about politics than I, and you’ve said, at times that you felt that some people were really trying to help you (and said they liked you too, if I remember correctly. You have a lot of wonderful attributes, and in my eyes you’re life is important and sacred.

    If I could I’d hold you in my arms and rock you like a kindly black woman did for me many years ago, telling ME it was going to be alright. However, I live in California and I can’t really do that right now. I hope, though, that you don’t mind if I pray for you.

    Sincerely,

    ~ LInda Kay

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Yes, I pray–but not to your God.

      I am a Pagan. I believe in the three Kindreds–the Nature Spirits, the Ancestors, and the Gods. But my Gods are more like people–just older and more powerful. They don’t claim to be all-knowing or all-present. Hell, some of them couldn’t care less about most of us. The ones who do are more like friends; we cultivate relationships with each other.

      They can’t fix my life, and that’s okay. See, not relying on grace or salvation means I don’t owe them, and I don’t have to be good and follow rules that aren’t relevant to my life. I don’t have to worry about sin and hell. As a Pagan, I believe you have to bear the responsibility and consequences of your actions, but I don’t believe in heaven or hell. That means my relationship with the Kindreds doesn’t have to center around apologies. It creates an equality of relationship I never found in Christianity. I just have conversations with the Kindreds, through ritual and divination.

      So yes, I pray, but not the way you mean.

  6. Grainne Says:

    Oh honey. 😦 I wish I had been anywhere near conscious when you posted this. I hear you, I know it’s so hard. Xxx. I want to tell you it’s going to be fine. This will pass, things will change. … I’m holding on hope that the moment they do, you start feeling some relief and focus again.

    Always thinking of you. Xo

  7. loveheals Says:

    There is a part that wants to die.
    And a part that wants to live.

    And if, the two,
    can come together
    gently
    maybe we can
    find our way through

    because each one
    has a voice
    wanting to say something
    wanting to be heard.

    continue the verse.
    continue the verse.


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