The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Next verse, same as the first… December 27, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 3:41 am
Tags: , , , ,

…but a little bit louder and a little bit worse.


I called Fake Therapist. Told her I needed help. Told her I need out of my life for a while, need to be taken care of, because I can’t hold it together anymore. But not a psych unit. I need a holding environment PLUS real treatment (read: intensive therapy). I’ve never gotten real treatment on a psych unit. If I could get Riggs to take Medicare, that would be perfect, but snowball’s chance of that.

For the moment I’m at Counselor’s house so I don’t do anything self-destructive. Not a long-term solution, though.

I don’t know what the answer is. A residential trauma program for a month or two? Doesn’t seem ideal, but what’s ever perfect? Besides, I don’t have any other ideas. Maybe my Windhorse team can come up with some better alternatives because my brain isn’t working too well at the moment.

I feel so guilty that Windhorse isn’t enough. They’ve given so much of themselves, and I know they really care about me. But I’m the black hole, and I don’t want to use them up. They’re worth far more than that.

And what if I go to a residential program and it doesn’t help? Or it does help but I feel just as bad when I get back to the real world? Then I think I really would kill myself, no matter how many people it would hurt. I know I shouldn’t worry about that right now, but don’t think about pink elephants.

I’m so scared. I really feel like this is it: I’ll either find something that helps or I’ll kill myself.


7 Responses to “Next verse, same as the first…”

  1. manyofus1980 Says:

    I hope you find something that works, and soon. I hope there is an opening in a trauma unit if you think it will help. Are you in the UK, US or canada?

  2. Natalya Says:

    I find it’s best not to think of the future, as it generally causes more worry than necessary. Besides, you end up wasting potentially good moments being filled up with fortune telling and doubt. I’ve lost so many hours(years?) of my life that way. The only time we have control over is the very moment we are existing in. Thus, work on being present. There’s enough to deal with today w/o tomorrow crossing one’s mind. This is how I get through my days when it seems I don’t have much going on to be happy about.

    The two month day treatment hospital programme I went through 11 years ago was helpful. The best aspect was meeting other people and finding a few true friends. The group I was in got along together-for the most part-well. Even the nurses, social workers, and psychiatrist thought we were a good group. It didn’t ‘fix’ me but was helpful. Still needed years of therapy after that but I hadn’t had more than a couple of sessions prior to hospitalization, thus I was starting from scratch. It might be better in your case-if you do something similar-as you already have some coping tools and therapy skills.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I don’t know how not to think about things. It’s never been a thing I’ve been able to do.

      There are no competent day programs in my area–I live in a mostly rural community where there are few resources. We’re looking into residential trauma programs.

      • Natalya Says:

        Oh, I’m sorry they don’t have any day programmes where you’re at. Hopefully you can access the residential trauma programme then.

        My dad can’t stop thinking/worrying about things either. He takes celexa which helps some but he still over-thinks everything!

      • weordmyndum Says:

        I wish celebs helped me. I’ve been on literally every SSRI on the market. No dice.

        We’ve got some good leads on trauma programs, so that’s good.

      • weordmyndum Says:

        Celexa, not celebs. Damn You Autocorrect.

      • Natalya Says:

        SSRIs didn’t help me either. I take Wellbutrin XL and Effexor XR.

        That’s good you have some leads on the trauma programmes. Hopefully you’ll get something lined up there.

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