…but a little bit louder and a little bit worse.
I called Fake Therapist. Told her I needed help. Told her I need out of my life for a while, need to be taken care of, because I can’t hold it together anymore. But not a psych unit. I need a holding environment PLUS real treatment (read: intensive therapy). I’ve never gotten real treatment on a psych unit. If I could get Riggs to take Medicare, that would be perfect, but snowball’s chance of that.
For the moment I’m at Counselor’s house so I don’t do anything self-destructive. Not a long-term solution, though.
I don’t know what the answer is. A residential trauma program for a month or two? Doesn’t seem ideal, but what’s ever perfect? Besides, I don’t have any other ideas. Maybe my Windhorse team can come up with some better alternatives because my brain isn’t working too well at the moment.
I feel so guilty that Windhorse isn’t enough. They’ve given so much of themselves, and I know they really care about me. But I’m the black hole, and I don’t want to use them up. They’re worth far more than that.
And what if I go to a residential program and it doesn’t help? Or it does help but I feel just as bad when I get back to the real world? Then I think I really would kill myself, no matter how many people it would hurt. I know I shouldn’t worry about that right now, but don’t think about pink elephants.
I’m so scared. I really feel like this is it: I’ll either find something that helps or I’ll kill myself.