The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

One with the mud December 26, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 4:57 am
Tags: , , ,

Have you ever exercised to the point of absolute collapse? You’re so tired your muscles shake uncontrollably, and you know if you don’t sit down and rest right now, you’re going to collapse.

I’m living the emotional equivalent of that.

Only I can’t stop and rest, or else my suicidal subsystem will do something destructive. Then I’ll have to repair all the damage.

I have perhaps dozens of people in my head. Is it so much to ask that one of them could take care of me for a while? Be kind to me?

But when I ask for this in my journal, the answers I get are “You’re the adult” and “There isn’t anyone.” Right, thanks, lovely.

I don’t want this responsibility anymore. I’m too tired to take care of the broken kids and keep several teenagers from slitting their/our wrists. It’s too much for one person to do.

I just want a few kind words now and then. Some recognition of everything I’m doing for them/us. The ability to take a break without worrying I’ll end up with my arms shredded. Just a little kindness.

But maybe I don’t deserve it. Maybe I ask too much when I should be giving more. I don’t know.

What did I do to make the people in my head hate me so much.

No, wait. I don’t think I want an answer to that.


One Response to “One with the mud”

  1. Bourbon Says:

    You’re right, it is too much for one person to do. So much lying on your shoulders, no wonder you are emotionally collapsing under the weight. I can relate to the weight of all the responsibility. My “inner helpers” have disappeared. My therapist has given up asking if one of them can help because they just are never there anymore. I think they were there when we were going through the abuse; but now… it’s up to me and LJ really. Wish I knew how to rectify the situation so you could have a break xx

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