I had a complete meltdown today. My team basically has me on suicide watch–Fake Therapist is babysitting me tonight, and somebody else is coming to take over in the morning.
It’s the DID. I’ve been trying to push away that answer, come up with any other answer. But I’m a rational person. It’s the only explanation that makes sense.
Apparently most of my system is suicidal, or at least the ones who are in control. I don’t know who they are–could be a subsystem I didn’t know about before. They don’t want to be saved or helped at all.
The weird thing was I’m co-present with them. (A term I got from the DID specialist who diagnosed me. It’s not co-consciousness because we don’t share thoughts or control–I’m aware of what my body is doing and saying, but I have no control.) I don’t experience co-presence often, and it made it really obvious to me when switches were happening–which was frequent.
One was just full of pain, shame, hopelessness, worthlessness, self-hatred, and despair. When she was there it was all tears and sobbing.
Someone else who speaks in short, choppy sentence fragments. She negates everything anyone tries to offer: “Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t count. Not the point.” Definitely some strong emotions, but not all-encompassing like the first one.
Someone else totally disconnected from emotion, arguing about rights to die no matter the circumstances. She’s quite willing to call people on their contradictions, moral judgments, and logical fallacies–to the point of being cruel, but not for the sake of being cruel. She just believes facing one’s own biases is more important than being nice.
Then someone who was just mean. Snarky, and not in an entertaining way. Not out to seriously hurt people. She just wants to push them away so we can “get on with it.” She was terrible to Team Leader. Luckily, Team Leader got snarky right back, and when this alter got snarky about Team Leader seeming mad at us, Team Leader said she was just giving back what we were dishing out. Most of us would’ve been devastated, but this one laughed.
I don’t think these are people I already knew, but I’m not sure. I think they’re teenagers, so they could be teens I already know, just pushed over the edge of what they could handle. But that’s not my gut feeling.
How am I supposed to handle it when it’s a big, strong group that’s intensely suicidal? When I hear other multiples talk about feeling suicidal, it’s just one or two alters. I have no ability to control this group, and I can’t consistently guarantee I’ll be the one in front. If it were just one or two feeling this way, or I had some control, I think I could manage. But this? I have no ideas, and I’m terrified.