The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Whirlwind December 17, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 6:04 am
Tags: , ,

And now comes the sudden flood of pain. I knew it had to be there; you don’t fantasize about ramming a knife clear through your arm and ripping it down through fat and muscle and veins and arteries unless something is very wrong.

And the voices. I can’t even make sense of them all.

make it stop make it stop make it stop

There’s no need for me to be here, at all. No one needs me. No one even wants me. The universe is clockwork; it’ll go on just as well without me, and I’m so tired.

Get away from me! No! Get away!

I’m all alone.

Of course you are. Look at yourself. Useless, ugly, stupid. Who would want you?

I hate them, all of them, I’m going to kill them all, every single one, stab them over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over

Please, make it stop. Mama? Make it stop, say it’s OK. Please. Mama?

Even your Mama hates you.

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t handle life.

You’re a liar. You know that. You’re nothing but a liar.

I need to kill myself. I need out. I can’t do this anymore.

Oh, quit fucking whining. Everybody is sick of hearing you.

No! Listen to me!

make it stop make it stop make it stop

Do you love me? Does anybody live me?

No. Of course not. Quit pretending you’re some wounded bird or damaged little kid. Look in the mirror. You’re 26 years old, and the only wounds you’ve got are the ones you did yourself. Time to grow up and pull your own weight. No one’s gonna rescue you.

If I’m not damaged, then what are you? What are all these voices?

Liar! Liar liar pants on fire! They’re gonna hate you when they find out.

I hate them! I hate you! Everybody! Kill them all, stab stab stab stab stab. Look at all the blood, isn’t it pretty? Such a gorgeous shade of red. Dead! All of them, everybody. It makes me smile.

Stop. Stop it. Stop.

Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar

Everybody hates you. And they should.

I need to kill myself. It won’t be hard. No one will notice. It will not affect anyone’s lives if I no longer exist. A clockwork universe. Tick, tick, tick. With or without me. Tick, tick, tick.

And then it’s all gone. I’m back to silence, blankness, absence of feeling. The drive to die remains. I go back to pulling out my hair, strand by strand.


3 Responses to “Whirlwind”

  1. Linda Mulvey Says:

    I have a friend who said she was given Zoloft and began having suicidal and homicidal thoughts. She said that when she got offf the meds she was OK again. If you notice the recent shootings have been done by people who were on psychiatric medications. They all had access to mental “health” care.

    Here’s the link to her story:

    ‘Hope and pray that you find some support in this difficult time.

    ~ Linda Kay

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Dude. I’ve asked you before to quit the anti-med evangelism on my blog. Do it on your own blog, fine, but keep it off mine.

      My problems are not solved by meds, but they’re not caused by them, either. I don’t take an antidepressant regularly anyway–I do take trazodone PRN for sleep, but not often enough to have a steady blood level. I think I’ve taken it maybe twice in the past two weeks.

      So please, leave your evangelism at the doorstep. You’re welcome on this blog; your anti-med religion isn’t. The way you try to terrify/bully people off meds is no different from how many doctors terrify/bully people onto them. That’s not welcome here. If you keep it up, I will ban you.

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