I saw Fake Therapist today. I told her that something is seriously wrong with my head right now. I go from feeling nothing to feeling way too much to feeling nothing again. I feel totally disconnected from my life, everything and everyone. And constantly I have this very specific, graphic, urgent inclination to stab a knife clear through my arm. I told her there’s something very wrong when you want to do that to yourself even though you don’t feel bad, don’t feel anything. I told her I could recognize emotions in myself, but it was like recognizing them in someone else–I don’t actually feel it myself. Except I do, from very far away.
I know this makes no sense. My brain…it’s not right. Someone shoots a bunch of little kids, and I don’t feel anything. From a distance I feel sad and angry, but *I* don’t actually feel anything.
I told her I feel distressed from a great distance. It’s not normal not to feel anything. I’m even disconnected in my dreams: I blew up somebody I love very much and then said it was better for her that way because of her health problems. I want my feelings back, if for no other reason than to reassure myself that I am, in fact, human. But at the same time, I like this not feeling. Makes a lot of things a hell of a lot easier.
Fake Therapist said she could see the weirdness in my affect: I went from crying to blank to laughing about jamming a knife through my arm and bleeding out, all in the space of about five minutes. That’s hella abnormal for me–usually I’m about the most emotional person on earth, even though I don’t show it most of the time. I think this must be some weird DID thing.
I also didn’t tell Fake Therapist that I’m not eating, which I’m sure factors into this weirdness somehow. I’m usually the queen of guilt, but now I just don’t care much at all. Meh, whatever. Totally not normal for me. But hey, my weight’s consistently under 140, so that’s all that matters, right?
More and more, I think I’m not actually Sara. I think I have access to everything in her head, but I’m pretty sure I’m not her. Maybe she’s the one far away that I’m getting emotions from.
Of course, that leaves the question of who the hell I am.