The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Out of phase December 16, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 5:59 pm
Tags: ,

I feel so detached and disconnected. From myself. From people. From life in general. Like I’m out of phase with the rest of my universe, and I could just walk through walls because I’m not solid anymore.

What’s the point of finding someone or something to hold onto when I’m not solid enough to grab it? What’s the point of reaching out when I know I can’t connect?

Don’t get me wrong–I know this might sound like distress, but it’s not. I don’t feel anything. Or if I do, it’s so far away it can’t reach me, whoever I am. So this is not an expression of distress; it’s an explanation of the situation.

So why the urgent need to kill myself? I suppose I don’t see a point to my existence. After all, lack of feeling also means I can never feel happy. Lack of connection means I can never feel loved. I’m not accomplishing anything, being alive, and life just gets tedious and exhausting-and ten times moreso when your existence is meaningless. So why keep going through the motions?


5 Responses to “Out of phase”

  1. reflectionsonlifethusfar Says:

    That’s sh*tty! I’ve been there 😦 Do have *anyone* or *anything* in your life that gives you meaning? For me, I thought of my niece if I killed myself and what it would be like for her. I also thought about the experiences I’d miss out on if I wasn’t alive to live them. As a romantic I felt like I might meet someone really great and being dead-well I wouldn’t be able to. Maybe you are not romantic like I am so that might be a useless idea but it helped me. I still am single but it got me through my dark times. Do you have something to hope for that hasn’t happened yet? Or even your dog Winston as a reason to stay around?

  2. nancyola Says:

    I think it’s the medication. Most anti-depressants list “suicidal feelings” as side effects and tell the patient to notify their doctor immediately. Why don’t you contact the doctor who prescribed it?

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