The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Huh December 15, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 12:08 am
Tags: , , ,

I’m hesitant to talk about what’s going on in my head. Part fear of being judged, part fear of being told I’m totally crazy, part not wanting kindness, part not wanting anyone to try and take away my craziness, part not understanding what’s going on in my head….

But here it is anyway.

I’m not depressed. I have energy and motivation and interest in life. I don’t feel sad or especially distressed. I don’t hate myself (which is not to say I love myself).

But I feel this powerful urge to kill myself. There’s a huge chance things will go downhill from here in ways I don’t want to deal with. There’s also a chance that my life might work out and end up awesome or even just satisfactory. The chances of that are, however, much slimmer.

I know there were reasons I fought like hell to survive all my life. There were things I held onto–mostly the hope of an okay life. Now I have an okay life, and it’s not enough to hold onto anymore. It’s too small.

I feel disconnected from the world. I like my life, my activities, most of the people in my life. But I feel distant from them. Not in an angsty way, just matter-of-fact. So why not shove off this mortal coil? There’s nothing tethering me to it these days.

I sound callous, don’t I? I want to care, but I think I’ve forgotten how.

It’s the same with the anorexia. All the times I’ve done this before, I felt desperate and trapped and in need of release. Now I feel no connection to desperation, either to starve myself or to stop starving myself. I’m doing it because I can and because it entertains me. Again, I wish I felt something about it, but I don’t.

Conventional wisdom is I must be doing this to block something out. That’s not what it feels like. I know when I’m avoiding stuff, even when I’m trying really hard not to know. If I’m avoiding anything, it’s a normal, small life. There’s no underlying angst I’m running from. I just lack ability to connect with my life anymore, so I’m playing with fire for the hell of it.

I think maybe I’m an alter somehow. I think of myself as Sara–but I remember what being Sara felt like, and it wasn’t this. Sara cares about EVERYTHING. I still have the strong opinions like she does, but that’s not the same as actually caring. Sara would be taking all this seriously and figuring out what demons of the past were motivating this–because with Sara, it’s always about the past. Sara would never have lied to Fake Therapist about something as significant as the eating disorder. This doesn’t feel like being Sara feels, but I still think of myself as Sara, or I did until I started thinking about it.

So who the hell am I, and what do I do about it?


10 Responses to “Huh”

  1. australopith Says:

    I don’t have DID but I have been suffering from depression. I have been on antidepressants for 3 months now and as soon as they started working I started feeling so similar to how you describe what you’re going through. Maybe it’s medication… maybe it’s your DID. I guess the point of me commenting is to let you know that I also feel very disconnected. I know my trauma is inside me somewhere, waiting, and I even force myself to talk about it but it still doesn’t feel real. And it totally isn’t angsty – very, very matter-of-fact-ly. I still think about dying but I don’t want to kill myself (anymore). I think that if I happened to die then it wouldn’t be too bad.

    I think that’s the way most people feel… that is, until they find a reason to live. For some, it’s relgion, fear of death/hell, their kids. For others, like me, it’s cheesy things like this is all I have… That I am the product of hundreds of thousands of people who lived before me and procreated. My dna is made of these people… I exist because they existed. The beauty of earth through the eyes of an athiest, evolution, the uniqueness of my existence. I love feeling so insignificant in the universe. Anything I do won’t matter in 100 years. Yeah, that’s true… but it matters to me now. The fact that I can listen to music – that music exists at all! And that music makes me feel things! This crap blows my mind. And it’s the only reason I want to live… even then, I could do with dying.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      See, even the science stuff you’re talking about doesn’t grab me anymore. It’s like, “Yeah, okay, it’s pretty cool I guess. Whatever.” Nothing grabs hold of me anymore, at least not for very long.

      I don’t think it’s antidepressants since I’m not on them anymore. Well, I occasionally take a trazodone for sleep, but not consistently.

  2. Grainne Says:

    I wish I could help you find your answers, but the best I can do from here is care (unfortunately. You know I’d so love to do more.) I care about you a lot. I know you will make it through this.

  3. sonamsangmu Says:

    Wish I could help somehow but all I can say is there must be a reason you’re feeling this way. Maybe if you could talk to Sara, if you’re not Sara, she might have some insight. Otherwise, I think maybe you’re not used to having a fairly okay life free from chaos; thus you have to create it to feel “normal” perhaps. Whenever we transition from one stage of life to another there’s a sense of disruption. To recreate equilibrium we can reach for what’s familiar to feel ‘grounded’ again…even if that means self destruction. Is there any way you can attend a support group just to have something there for you? Like an eating disorder group? or a 12 step group even?

    • weordmyndum Says:

      My philosophy and the 12-step model don’t jibe–I find it really disempowering. The only other support group I’ve found in my area is the same night as one of my kung fu classes.

      • sonamsangmu Says:

        Oh, that’s too bad. I felt similarly with the 12 step groups but know a lot of people find comfort in them so thought I’d mention it.

  4. i don’t have many words at the moment but wanted you to know i care, so sending some safe hugs, if safe hugs are ok

  5. You’re still yourself, but shit just got real shitty and that’s making you feel bad. It’s natural.
    I mean, you haven’t had the nicest life, but you held on to the idea that things might just get better. Now that the main causes of why your life wasn’t nice are eliminated, you see that your life is not all that more special.

    It is my humble opinion that when we have large issues, we also have more motivation to live, because in their awfulness they make life less ordinary and senseless. Not to say that it isn’t absolutely great you overcame a lot of your problems already.

    Mediocrity is a horrible thing to come to terms with… But don’t kill yourself over it, it’s really not worth it. Challenge the odds and do something completely unexpected! I have always found that improbable actions are like seed for more improbability, so just one bout of awesome could set in motion a whole train of it!

    Support and thumbs up,

  6. nancyola Says:

    I really hope you don’t kill yourself. I can’t tell if you have a regular therapist or not. If not, please get one. I have extreme DID to the point of Multiple Personality Disorder. I’ve found some of my personalities want to kill themselves. I hope that’s not the case with you, but if it is, try to switch. Perhaps a therapist can help you find a more positive personality inside you. I also think that the “who cares” attitude you’ve been feeling can come from the anti-depressant you’re taking. Tell the doctor, so they can prescribe another one.

    Jesus and God consider taking your own life murder. So most Christians believe that suicide sends people to Hell. I know you don’t want that to happen. Jesus is the most caring friend you’ll ever have, and I’m hoping you will accept him as your savior. I care.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      If you’ve read my blog, you’ll know I’m a pagan, specifically a Druid. I’m glad Christianity has been helpful to you, but that’s not my worldview. I also don’t believe in suicide as a sin or crime, and I think that’s often a very harmful concept. It lays so much guilt on people who are already feeling terrible enough that they’re considering or have attempted suicide. If it works for you, great. Just bear in mind that it’s not a helpful model for everybody.

      As far as therapy…well, that’s a fun one. I’ve been searching for months to find a good one. I live in a mostly rural community, so there aren’t many therapists who have experience with severe trauma and DID. The few I found who did don’t take my insurance, and there’s no way I can afford to pay out of pocket.

      I just started last week with a new therapist, but I’m not sure if it’ll pan out. She only offers weekly sessions, and she’s never worked with someone with DID before. But I don’t have a lot of other options at this point.

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