I have the follow-up with the neuropsychologist tomorrow afternoon. I really hope she has good ideas on improving my brain function. Suggestions for academic accommodations are good too, but what I want most is a way to get back the level of brain function I had before ECT.
Thursday, Team Leader and I are meeting with a potential new therapist. I honestly don’t know whether I want it to work out or not. I’m scared. I don’t want to trust anyone new, and I’m afraid of needing anyone. Those things had become safe for a while. How do I get back to that.
I’m especially afraid of admitting to the DID diagnosis. When I saw NT again after the hospital incident, she said, “I didn’t realize you were at the extreme end of the dissociative spectrum.” Like we’re freaks. Like she just realized we had to heads–or several dozen. But she had been kind, called us pet names, made us feel safe–especially some of the little ones. And then she betrayed us. It hurt and we felt stupid for trusting her. And angry.
And now all these feelings–they won’t be the new therapist’s fault, but they’ll all be projected onto her. It isn’t fair to her or us. She’ll have to wade through all that crap even though it isn’t really hers. And us–we want to trust and feel safe right away. It’s not fair we have to deal with the feelings left over from NT, if what happened wasn’t our fault. We shouldn’t have to work to feel safe. It’s not fair.