I’m having dreams where all the people I want to think well of me hate me and are disgusted with me. A dream about my team firing me for still being sick. Another dream where I went to go make up with Boss, and he humiliated me in front of a full courtroom. Then he somehow morphed into the neighborhood team leader from the campaign (who I really like and always got along great with), and she told me everyone thought it was disgusting how hard I try to make everyone like me because they all see through it, see what I really am, and look down on me.
In dreams, your mind tells you think are true. I already believed these things. Now I just believe them more.
I want to withdraw from everybody. I can’t stand to be seen. I want to ask Team Leader to come today for our shift, but that would just make her worry and draw more attention to myself. I have team meeting too, and I don’t know how I can stand being seen. And then my knitting group.
Don’t look at me. Don’t fucking look at me. I need to disappear.
There is a part of me that wants to tell someone so they can comfort me. But really, wouldn’t that also be forcing them to like me? And it wouldn’t actually make me stop believing everyone’s disgusted by how pathetic I am, so why bother them with it?
I just have to learn how to be invisible. I have to disappear.