The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Disgusting December 11, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 1:00 pm
Tags: , ,

I’m having dreams where all the people I want to think well of me hate me and are disgusted with me. A dream about my team firing me for still being sick. Another dream where I went to go make up with Boss, and he humiliated me in front of a full courtroom. Then he somehow morphed into the neighborhood team leader from the campaign (who I really like and always got along great with), and she told me everyone thought it was disgusting how hard I try to make everyone like me because they all see through it, see what I really am, and look down on me.

In dreams, your mind tells you think are true. I already believed these things. Now I just believe them more.

I want to withdraw from everybody. I can’t stand to be seen. I want to ask Team Leader to come today for our shift, but that would just make her worry and draw more attention to myself. I have team meeting too, and I don’t know how I can stand being seen. And then my knitting group.

Don’t look at me. Don’t fucking look at me. I need to disappear.

There is a part of me that wants to tell someone so they can comfort me. But really, wouldn’t that also be forcing them to like me? And it wouldn’t actually make me stop believing everyone’s disgusted by how pathetic I am, so why bother them with it?

I just have to learn how to be invisible. I have to disappear.


3 Responses to “Disgusting”

  1. Grainne Says:

    Aw Sara. 😦 Your head is telling you lies today, making you feel worse. The things you dream are sometimes fears of what you might become, not necessarily what you already are.

    I care about you. I’d happily sit in the dark with you today and let you hide, but be there when you need to surface as well. I wouldn’t ever feel bothered if you reached out to me, needing a friend (just so you know).

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I don’t reach out because I don’t know what I want or need from people. I’m so good at negating anything people offer. If they tell me the crazy shit in my head isn’t true, I never really believe me. If they just listen, I get mad at them for not DOING something. If they do something, I get mad at them for trying to fix me.

      I’m impossible, and I don’t want to make other people feel useless, so I don’t reach out.

      • Grainne Says:

        I know. I spin the same way at times. I even go so far as to reach out then immediately shove the person who responded away.

        I’m sorry it’s been so heavy for you recently. x

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