I feel like crap.
And I feel even crappier because I feel like I need to apologize for feeling crappy. Like this sudden mood shift makes all my rhetoric about not taking crap from people just empty words.
But…maybe they’re not? After all, I haven’t apologized to Boss because I don’t think I did anything out of line. I want his forgiveness and approval, but I’m not betraying myself to get them.
That’s something, right? That means it’s okay to feel crappy, right?
I really need someone to be kind to me right now. I’m trying to be kind to myself, but it’s not enough right now.
Unfortunately, I’m all alone. There are people I could call, but this isn’t urgent enough to bother them. Feeling crappy is not a crisis. Feeling crappy is something I can manage on my own.
Of course, I’m alone all day tomorrow too. We’d arranged the schedule that way when I was seeing NT on Monday’s–with the bus trip both ways, it took up about 4 or 5 hours. But now Mondays are empty after a long empty weekend. I know the obvious solution is to rework the schedule with my team, but that feels too needy. Ina year, I’m not going to have any of them, and I need to be able to survive on my own.
Dammit. God fucking dammit. I want someone to be here with me and be kind and hug me and tell me Boss is being an asshole and we’re going to find the perfect therapist and my life is all going to work out and I’ll be happy. Right now, telling myself these things isn’t cutting it.