I think I pissed off my boss.
Okay. I’m not going to freak out.
That’s a lie. I’m already freaking out. But I’m not going to let this undo me. I’d like his approval, but I don’t NEED it.
Early last week, I emailed him to ask if he had any assignments for me because I hadn’t heard from him sine early November. He said he was sick, but we could meet Tuesday. I emailed back to ask what time and didn’t hear back, so Tuesday morning I texted him to ask. He said he was still sick, do I said “Okay, just let me know when you’re better and want to meet.”
Yesterday he emailed me and said, “Let’s meet for coffee and an assignment.” I immediately responded: “I’m tied up until 2:00, but I could do any time after that, or sometime Thursday or Friday.” No response to that email either, so this afternoon I texted him to ask when he wanted to meet. His response was, “Jeez!” I said, “What?” but haven’t gotten a response.
All I can figure is that I annoyed him by being too persistent, though I don’t have enough context to be sure. I just didn’t want him to think I’m not interested or don’t care. I really WANT this job, and I didn’t want to seem too passive and unmotivated. I didn’t think I overdid it, but now I’m second-guessing myself. Was I being annoying? Should I have waited longer for him to respond? I’d really like people’s honest opinions.
I’m frustrated at myself for reacting so strongly. I’m a lot stronger than I used to be, but I still have a lot of deep-rooted insecurities. It’s hard to sit with the knowledge (or, realistically, my assumption) that I made him mad and he thinks I’m too intense.
I don’t know what to do now. My aggressive side wants to email him and say, “Look, I took this internship because I thought you actually wanted me to work for you. In two months, I’ve been to court twice and written one motion–that’s it. If you don’t actually want me, if I’m not useful to you, then tell me that so I can move on and find someone else who will value my talents. If you do want me, then don’t treat me like an annoyance. If you’d actually communicate, I wouldn’t have to bug you. That’s YOUR failure, not mine. I’m bugging you because I’m genuinely interested in this job, both in terms of what I can learn and how I can contribute to your practice. If you don’t want my enthusiasm and drive, I’ll find someone who does. But you have to tell me what the hell it is you want.”
But my passive side wants to apologize and then disappear so he’ll never have to deal with the annoyance of having me underfoot anymore. And that part wants to cut, to punish me for misreading the social cues and pissing him off.
I’m not going to do either. For now I’m trying to just sit with it and believe that I didn’t do anything wrong. But it’s hard, so I’m posting because I don’t want to be alone with it.