The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

I’m okay. December 6, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 7:56 pm
Tags: , ,

I think I pissed off my boss.

Okay. I’m not going to freak out.

That’s a lie. I’m already freaking out. But I’m not going to let this undo me. I’d like his approval, but I don’t NEED it.

Early last week, I emailed him to ask if he had any assignments for me because I hadn’t heard from him sine early November. He said he was sick, but we could meet Tuesday. I emailed back to ask what time and didn’t hear back, so Tuesday morning I texted him to ask. He said he was still sick, do I said “Okay, just let me know when you’re better and want to meet.”

Yesterday he emailed me and said, “Let’s meet for coffee and an assignment.” I immediately responded: “I’m tied up until 2:00, but I could do any time after that, or sometime Thursday or Friday.” No response to that email either, so this afternoon I texted him to ask when he wanted to meet. His response was, “Jeez!” I said, “What?” but haven’t gotten a response.

All I can figure is that I annoyed him by being too persistent, though I don’t have enough context to be sure. I just didn’t want him to think I’m not interested or don’t care. I really WANT this job, and I didn’t want to seem too passive and unmotivated. I didn’t think I overdid it, but now I’m second-guessing myself. Was I being annoying? Should I have waited longer for him to respond? I’d really like people’s honest opinions.

I’m frustrated at myself for reacting so strongly. I’m a lot stronger than I used to be, but I still have a lot of deep-rooted insecurities. It’s hard to sit with the knowledge (or, realistically, my assumption) that I made him mad and he thinks I’m too intense.

I don’t know what to do now. My aggressive side wants to email him and say, “Look, I took this internship because I thought you actually wanted me to work for you. In two months, I’ve been to court twice and written one motion–that’s it. If you don’t actually want me, if I’m not useful to you, then tell me that so I can move on and find someone else who will value my talents. If you do want me, then don’t treat me like an annoyance. If you’d actually communicate, I wouldn’t have to bug you. That’s YOUR failure, not mine. I’m bugging you because I’m genuinely interested in this job, both in terms of what I can learn and how I can contribute to your practice. If you don’t want my enthusiasm and drive, I’ll find someone who does. But you have to tell me what the hell it is you want.”

But my passive side wants to apologize and then disappear so he’ll never have to deal with the annoyance of having me underfoot anymore. And that part wants to cut, to punish me for misreading the social cues and pissing him off.

I’m not going to do either. For now I’m trying to just sit with it and believe that I didn’t do anything wrong. But it’s hard, so I’m posting because I don’t want to be alone with it.


6 Responses to “I’m okay.”

  1. Grainne Says:

    Good!! You’re doing the right thing by not letting yourself get too far with the self blame. I managed this on a much smaller scale the other night and I was really happy with myself when it worked out. I’m very much in need of approval in the work place and it was hard not to react to the things I felt when my boss went off on me.

    I’m sitting right here with you. Your boss sounds like a bit of a dink, but then, so many of them are. I would have thought it a benefit to have someone eager to do work for free but I’ll bet he’s a fairly unorganized guy, professionally and can’t quite get it together….? I’m behind you in any event. Good for you for pressing it and for being patient with yourself. xx

  2. reflectionsonlifethusfar Says:

    The only thing I can think of that you haven’t mentioned is he was annoyed you wouldn’t drop your commitments to meet him for the time he wanted. Perhaps he’s egotistical and is used to people dropping what they’re doing to please him. I don’t know. That’s one interpretation anyway. The other is you may have annoyed him for being too persistent but I wouldn’t be able to say for sure. Finally, you may have just gotten him at a bad time and he was rude for that reason but due to ego issues wouldn’t give you a reply when able to. Perhaps he’s just been busy too after being sick so has to catch up on things. Not sure…

    I’m passive so would not even think of doing your aggressive approach. But I think if you want you could send the aggressive message AFTER you have modified it so it sounds assertive and professional. It’s not a good idea to be brash with one’s boss even if you know they’ve acted poorly.

  3. I do the same thing. All you can do is put your head down and keep working hard!

  4. You’re awesome. Social awkwardness happens to everyone, and he hasn’t been too polite with you in the first place. Good luck and don’t give a damn! *hugs*

  5. mm172001 Says:

    I hate that feeling, I usually only get the second passive side. It may be helpful that you feel both sides so you could merge them to better align or express what you want to.

  6. Bourbon Says:

    Wow. How professional. A boss who writes a text message like that and then doesn’t reply to any further. Yikes. Tricky situation. But I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong or been “too persistent”. He should be grateful that there is someone with some enthusiasm in the organisation as he quite clearly lacks enthusiasm himself. If it was me I wouldn’t send any email and I wouldn’t apologise. That jerk can get in touch when he is actually going to be a decent working man.

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