I’ve been thinking about telling my family about my political involvement–or, rather, not hiding it anymore.
I’m tired of hiding myself and my beliefs. I’m tired of fragmenting myself, being this person to my family and that person to others. I want to be me, without apologies or revisions.
It’s just such an effort, all the hiding. Making sure you don’t let it slip. Making sure no one else lets it slip. I don’t want my grandfather taking up that much space in my head.
Plus, I have the deadline for when my treatment is over, so that threat doesn’t frighten me anymore.
The only thing stopping me is that there are still parts of me that want his approval and his love. It frustrates me that I still want that. I want to be able to not give a damn if people approve of me, and with most people I don’t. But I think we all have those child parts who crave the approval of the people who raised us.
But now there’s a chance I could get a job with a company that does canvasses for various left-wing groups. If I get the job, I don’t want to hide it from my family. In my fantasy, they’d be thrilled for me. In reality, I know that won’t be their reaction. Still, I want to stop hiding such a large part of my life. It feels too much like lying. I want to be all of me.