The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Corners and Boxes November 26, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 5:40 pm
Tags: , , , ,

I feel on edge, and I don’t know why. Just this abstract anxiety.

Not sleeping well. Not eating well. Spending too much time alone and bored.

Having trouble the last few days using personal pronouns, whether first-person singular or plural. Maybe it’s a DID thing. I don’t know.

I feel like things are stirring under the surface. I don’t know what, though. I feel like I need someone to help me tease it out. I need a catharsis, or some less dramatic version of one.

I need a therapist. The list has been sitting on my coffee table for two weeks, but I haven’t made a single call. I have a list of questions to ask, even a script. I know what to say; I just can’t make myself say it.

I’m so frustrated at myself for this internal resistance. There must be a way around it, so why can’t I find one? Why am I still letting myself be controlled by fears of sounding stupid or being too needy? I should be over this by now.

But I know if I do make the calls, I’ll think I sound stupid and broken. I’ll beat myself up. I might very well end up cutting or purging to make the feelings go away.

I hate how I’ve backed myself into this corner. If I don’t call the therapists, I beat myself up for not calling. If I do call, I beat myself up for sounding stupid and being needy.

There must be a way out of this. Some out-of-the-box solution. I’ve just got to figure out what that is.


15 Responses to “Corners and Boxes”

  1. Grainne Says:

    Email. Do any of the offices have email addresses listed? That’s what I would do to get around myself…find an email to send to. That way you can write down what you need to say, filter it as you see fit and then send. If not that, my other trick is to call the offices after hours when you know no one will be there. That way you can leave all the distressing stuff like your diagnosis and your therapy needs on a machine without having to hear a response. Also, everyone sounds odd and uncomfortable when talking to an answering machine so they’ll likely excuse any weird overtones in your voice to that.

    (I’ve become really good at avoiding people over the last few years)

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I couldn’t find any email addresses listed. These are all people in private practice, so they don’t really have websites or anything, though some of them have profiles on those find-a-therapist websites.

      I may end up calling after hours. Just gotta make sure they’re land line numbers, not cell phones–NT just used a cell, and I know a lot of therapists are doing that now. I think all therapists should have to have land lines for those of us who hate making phone calls. At Riggs, there was this code in the phone system that let you dial straight into someone’s voicemail so there was no chance you’d have to talk to them. The whole world ought to have that! šŸ™‚

  2. I bet a lot of people sound lost and confused on the phone to therapist’s offices. They’re probably completely used to it and won’t think you stupid at all. I don’t think your fear is stupid. You’re already braver than us by simply having a list and script. Our fear of therapists is so crippling that we like to pretend they don’t even exist as an option at all.

    Please stay safe. Thinking warm thoughts for you.

  3. Bourbon Says:

    How I wish I could stop us self judging ourselves so harshly. It sounds like you’ve got some good plans there. I hope you can bite the bullet so to speak and follow one through xx

  4. sonamsangmu Says:

    You’re NOT stupid and everyone is needy at times, especially when they’ve been through difficult situations. If someone thinks you’re stupid and needy for phoning a therapist I’d want to know why they’re taking messages from patients in the first place. The receptionist or therapist will not look down on you. If they do it’s a good indication to try the next person on your list!

    • weordmyndum Says:

      It’s not even about a fear that anyone else will think I’m stupid or needy. It’s about me thinking it about myself. That’s the insidious thing–I can shrug it off as somebody else’s issue. It’s all me.

      • sonamsangmu Says:

        Oh šŸ˜¦ Would repeating a mantra or positive affirmation be of any value?

      • weordmyndum Says:

        I know that sort of thing helps some people, but I’m not one of them. Believe me, I tried–my family thinks positive thinking/attitude fixes everything, so I always felt inherently wrong when it didn’t work for me.

      • sonamsangmu Says:

        If it didn’t work it doesn’t mean you’re inherently wrong-I think you just haven’t found what works for you yet. A positive attitude and thinking helps for ‘common cold’ type problems-not depression or DID. Maybe once you’ve gotten some further healing done that might work for you. Positive thinking never worked for me until I was in therapy long enough to have addressed the really pressing/traumatic issues. Definitely won’t work if you have anything more than ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul’ problems as I like to call them!
        Sorry for suggesting the positive affirmations. I forgot they aren’t terribly helpful until you’re “the worried well” šŸ˜¦

      • weordmyndum Says:

        No need for apologies. I’m overly sensitive about affirmations/positive thinking because my family acted like I was a bad person who could make them work if I’d just try hard enough. There’s no way you could’ve known that.

      • sonamsangmu Says:

        Oh, I’m sorry your family wasn’t supportive or respectful of your feelings. It’s a shame they weren’t able to see they were adding to your pain rather than taking it away šŸ˜¦

  5. Just hang in there. Peace is a moment by moment thing. Not having it, just begins the process of getting back to it.

  6. manyofus1980 Says:

    Hang in there. Finding a good therapist is hard. It isnt easy, but I am sure it will happen for you. I hope it does! Fear can be crippling…feel the fear and do it anyway, thats a book, and a good one! Are you in the UK, I’m confused, lol. Carol anne

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