Trying to Be Who I Already Am
People tell me I am arrogant and pigheaded,
narrow-minded and vain
because I won’t follow this week’s guru into his
seventeen steps for improving my life.
Well, I’m over here in a different place–
with T’ao Ch’ien who says,
My nature comes of itself. It isn’t something
you can force into line.
So, please, leave me alone.
I don’t want your advice.
I’m just trying to be
who I already am.
–David Budbill, from Moment to Moment
I’ve been considering writing this post for a while. Since I can’t get it out of my mind, I think I need to say it.
A few days ago, I got called whiny.
I was surprised by my reaction. Ordinarily I’d be upset. I’d stop talking. I’d probably think about deleting my blog.
Instead I just rolled my eyes and thought, Seriously? SERIOUSLY?
This is my space, and I get to say what I want. I don’t need anyone’s permission or approval. Generally I’m pretty respectful here. (Okay, Romney and Ryan excepted. They didn’t speak about people like me with respect, so I’m not gonna give them much respect back.) I don’t go around scolding people for being where they are, nor do I praise them for moving out of a place I don’t think they should be.
Basically, I don’t think it’s up to me to judge what other people’s lives should be. My life is mine, and your life is yours. Hopefully we can find commonality; hopefully we can support and be there for each other. We don’t have any business judging each other because almost all of us are doing the best we can with what we have.
Healing from trauma is a long, arduous process. It’s not linear: you move forward and backward. Some times are better than others, but being in a more difficult place is okay. It doesn’t mean I’m not trying. It doesn’t mean I’m not making progress. It doesn’t mean it’s not okay for me to be exactly where I am in each moment.
I don’t need anyone’s permission to exist anymore. I’m okay. I’m allowed to be where I am, even if I’m in a dark and hopeless place. I’m allowed to be stuck without condemnation from others. If you want to support me, great–I hope I can give back to you. If you can’t or don’t want to support me…well, don’t let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya.