Tonight at kung fu, I was teaching a new student some of the beginner holds. Some of these were chokes. Generally when we do chokes in class, we just put our hands on the other person’s shoulders or near their neck. I guess Pembantu forgot to tell her that because when I had her grab me so I could demonstrate, she actually wrapped her hands around my throat.
I panicked. Interestingly, when I panicked I did use one of the self-defense moves we’ve learned, but it was a more advanced one that ends with a sweep. I played it off by saying I forgot I wasn’t supposed to be teaching her that one, but I was embarrassed. Not to mention physically and emotionally shaky from the trigger.
One of my father’s favorite tortures was depriving me of air. My first memory, which I believe caused my first split, was my father holding my head underwater in the bathtub. Sometimes he’d hold a pillow over my face. Other times he’d choke me. He never did it long enough to kill me, but I didn’t know that when I was a little kid. And many times he did drown/smother/choke me long enough that I passed out.
How do I move past this? At various points in my treatment, I’ve gotten stuck on a memory or a cluster of memories. Before Riggs, it was the sexual abuse in the state hospital. At Riggs, it was when I chose for my father to hurt my sister instead of me. Now, it’s these almost-deaths.
I don’t know how to get unstuck.
I don’t really understand how I got unstuck before, so I don’t know how to replicate the process. I know at Riggs I repeated the story of the stuck memory over and over again to my therapist–she even said that in the paper she wrote about me. But before Riggs, I don’t think I ever spoke about the hospital memories in therapy, so I guess it’s not the talking about it that got me unstuck that time. I wish I could figure out how I got unstuck because I want to unstick myself now.
I guess this is yet another reason I need to find another therapist. Maybe I will talk to my team leader tomorrow and ask for more help.