I hate awards.
I used to win them all–mostly because I would only try stuff I knew I was good at. Academics, gymnastics, volunteer work, martial arts…I won all the prizes.
But it was never good enough. At first it was that it was never good enough for my mother, but then I took it on. I was never good enough for myself.
The only time I feel good enough is when I get praise or approval from other people. This week, the only time I remember being happy was when my boss said the motion I wrote was great. Once that wore off, I was back down again.
These days I hate awards because if I don’t win, I feel like a worthless failure, but if I do win, I feel like I don’t deserve it. And I hate awards because I hate that my happiness and self-worth are so dependent on other people.