The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

I hate awards November 18, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 4:33 am

I hate awards.

I used to win them all–mostly because I would only try stuff I knew I was good at. Academics, gymnastics, volunteer work, martial arts…I won all the prizes.

But it was never good enough. At first it was that it was never good enough for my mother, but then I took it on. I was never good enough for myself.

The only time I feel good enough is when I get praise or approval from other people. This week, the only time I remember being happy was when my boss said the motion I wrote was great. Once that wore off, I was back down again.

These days I hate awards because if I don’t win, I feel like a worthless failure, but if I do win, I feel like I don’t deserve it. And I hate awards because I hate that my happiness and self-worth are so dependent on other people.


4 Responses to “I hate awards”

  1. meredith Says:

    Hey! Thanks for writing this post! I appreciate hearing your honesty.

    Every day you show up, know you are a winner in your life. You just need to see yourself instead of others, maybe. Look in the mirror and give yourself… a little wave. You’re saving your life~

  2. It may sound weird, but I really think you’re making progress. Your posts are less whiny and despite your real trouble I don’t get the argh-so-emo feel from you (anymore).
    If posts are any way of measuring overall condition, of course. I hope you keep up.
    Then, in my opinion there’s nothing wrong with only engaging in things you’re good at. Why the hell would you deliberately want to engage in something you know you’re bad at? Celebrate your talents, not your faults!
    Happiness is almost always dependent on other people, whether you like it or not. Unless you’re a hermit or a buddhist monk perhaps. We gain “happiness” from others in far more ways than just in the form of their praise.
    Ah well, again it’s only my opinion. Hope you’ll crawl up and get things going again, you obviously deserve to kick some ass in this world.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      This may be the most backhanded compliment I’ve ever gotten on the internet.

      This is my blog. I can “whine” if I want to. If you don’t like that, there’s a little x you can click on in the top right corner.

      This blog is for me to process what’s going on in my life. It’s not always pretty and upbeat. That’s not my style; I always wanted to punch Pollyanna in the mouth. There are a lot of places where I get stuck. That doesn’t mean I’m not trying or that I’m not doing something productive. Furthermore, I don’t need to justify my existence by being happy and productive. I have every right to exist in whatever state I’m in. I don’t need your approval or anyone else’s.

      It’s not my experience that happiness is dependent on others. I find the most satisfaction in life–the real, deep, lasting kind–when I have the courage to be fully myself. That usually involves being able to move beyond the need for the permission or approval of others.

      • Of course, I never said you couldn’t whine. I also acknowledge you have some real trouble that really justifies feeling bad. You have to admit though that the less “there is no hope and my life is terrible and I would be better off dead” you are, the better your prospects are. That’s all I wanted to say with that your posts sound less whiny.
        The compliment was definitely meant, you totally deserve to hit the top just because you’re quite persistent in staying alive despite the about 65% (that’s an estimate) of your posts that indicate the opposite. That implies that you’re a strong person to me.

        No ones existence ever needs to be justified, and I didn’t mean to say that yours isn’t justified if you’re not happy. Never said that (at least I hope I didn’t). The source of your happiness shouldn’t matter so much though, in the end all what’s important is that you’re satisfied. It’s not that happiness because someone gave you a compliment is somehow less valuable than happiness out of some one-with-the-world-zen-state. Again, just my opinion.
        If you have experience with happiness of the kind you appreciate most, what is stopping your from attaining it again? Not too many people know exactly what would make them happy, I think it’s an important piece of knowledge you have there.

        Anyway I’m glad you answered my comment. If you threw that attitude towards everyone in your life I’m pretty sure no one would dare putting a straw in your way. Fierce 😉

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