Right now I’m feeling overwhelmed by a feeling of panicky hopelessness. There’s this craziness going on in my head that I can’t untangle.
I had this dream where I was moving. I kept packing my things, and then I’d come back and I’d find things I needed that weren’t packed. I just couldn’t get it right, couldn’t get what I needed.
Then I wake up to all this noise in my head about finding a new therapist.
“I need to start making some phone calls…”
“No, please don’t make me.”
“What’s the fucking point? They’re all assholes who’ll screw you over as soon as you let your guard down.”
“We need therapy.”
“I want somebody to talk to me.”
“It’s a bad idea to trust anybody.”
“They wouldn’t like me anyway.”
“I want them to like me.”
“No. We can’t be needy. They don’t like needy patients.”
“We are needy.”
“Which is why we can’t do therapy. Have to make ourself not needy.”
“That makes about as much goddamn sense as starving yourself.”
“That makes me feel better than therapy.”
“Don’t be stupid.”
“This whole thing is stupid.”
And on and on.
I want to believe there’s hope. I want to believe that I can find the right therapist. I want to believe that the right therapist will help me calm down the chaos in my head so I can function. I want to believe that my persistence and hard work will pay off and I’ll feel better.
But right now I just feel hopeless.