With this whole therapist drama going on, I’m really struggling to sort out whether my expectations are reasonable or unreasonable.
My highly fallacious line of thought is this:
My last 3 therapists haven’t worked out. Three in a row is a lot, so it must be that my expectations are unreasonable. If I had reasonable expectations, I wouldn’t have failed three therapists in a row.
With Fake Therapist, the frustration was her lack of experience with severe trauma. She usually changed the subject. When she did let me stick with the topic, her responses were mostly limited to “I can’t relate to that” (great, now I feel like even more of a freak) or “That’s helpful for me to know” ( fine, but that’s not helpful for ME).
NT2.0 didn’t respect my boundaries. I told her I didn’t know her well enough or trust her enough yet to talk about a very triggering interaction with Ex. I thought that was pretty clear, but she spent the rest of the session interrogating me about the event.
NT forgot to show up for one of my sessions, and her basic response to my distress was, “It’ll get better when you’re older, in 30 years or so.” Then I had a dissociative episode, and she sent me to the ER by ambulance, completely alone. When I saw her the next week, she shifted the blame to my Windhorse team and didn’t understand why I didn’t trust her anymore.
Part of me feels very strongly that these are acceptable, valid, reasonable causes for dumping a therapist.
But in another part of me, my mother’s voice echoes, telling me I’m too needy and demanding, I expect too much from people, I’m just looking for reasons to write off relationships.
I want to believe that first part. But how do I reconcile that with the knowledge that there are parts of me who do want more than anyone can give us? They want a redo of our childhood where we have parent-substitutes who do love us and take care of us. They want somebody to fix all our problems so we don’t live with this pain every day.
And knowing that these desires are unreasonable stirs up a lot of anger in me. It’s not MY fault I’m this screwed up and in this much pain! So why does it have to be MY job to carry it every day? I don’t want to save myself! I want someone else to do it! It’s not fair! Somebody else should fix me because it’s not my fault!
And that’s unreasonable. I know it’s unreasonable. Maybe I’m firing my therapists because I am being unreasonable on a subconscious level, wanting them to fix me. Or maybe I just had bad luck three times in a row. How do I sort it out?