The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

(Un)Reasonable November 15, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 1:53 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,

With this whole therapist drama going on, I’m really struggling to sort out whether my expectations are reasonable or unreasonable.

My highly fallacious line of thought is this:
My last 3 therapists haven’t worked out. Three in a row is a lot, so it must be that my expectations are unreasonable. If I had reasonable expectations, I wouldn’t have failed three therapists in a row.

With Fake Therapist, the frustration was her lack of experience with severe trauma. She usually changed the subject. When she did let me stick with the topic, her responses were mostly limited to “I can’t relate to that” (great, now I feel like even more of a freak) or “That’s helpful for me to know” ( fine, but that’s not helpful for ME).

NT2.0 didn’t respect my boundaries. I told her I didn’t know her well enough or trust her enough yet to talk about a very triggering interaction with Ex. I thought that was pretty clear, but she spent the rest of the session interrogating me about the event.

NT forgot to show up for one of my sessions, and her basic response to my distress was, “It’ll get better when you’re older, in 30 years or so.” Then I had a dissociative episode, and she sent me to the ER by ambulance, completely alone. When I saw her the next week, she shifted the blame to my Windhorse team and didn’t understand why I didn’t trust her anymore.

Part of me feels very strongly that these are acceptable, valid, reasonable causes for dumping a therapist.

But in another part of me, my mother’s voice echoes, telling me I’m too needy and demanding, I expect too much from people, I’m just looking for reasons to write off relationships.

I want to believe that first part. But how do I reconcile that with the knowledge that there are parts of me who do want more than anyone can give us? They want a redo of our childhood where we have parent-substitutes who do love us and take care of us. They want somebody to fix all our problems so we don’t live with this pain every day.

And knowing that these desires are unreasonable stirs up a lot of anger in me. It’s not MY fault I’m this screwed up and in this much pain! So why does it have to be MY job to carry it every day? I don’t want to save myself! I want someone else to do it! It’s not fair! Somebody else should fix me because it’s not my fault!

And that’s unreasonable. I know it’s unreasonable. Maybe I’m firing my therapists because I am being unreasonable on a subconscious level, wanting them to fix me. Or maybe I just had bad luck three times in a row. How do I sort it out?


4 Responses to “(Un)Reasonable”

  1. Bourbon Says:

    Personally I think you’ve been unlucky three times in a row. Crossing expressed boundaries, a complete disinterest in what you are saying, lack of expertise are all fully justifiable reasons as to why you can’t work with that therapist. It certainly is not expecting too much to have these things in therapy: respected boundaries, interest and skills. Your mothers voice is trying to blame you; as it always does for everything. But it isn’t your fault. Sometimes it just takes people a long time to find a therapist they click with. I urge you to not give up xx

  2. I think there are too many bad therapists in the world, you were unlucky, I know many people hurt by uncapable people.

    Those expectations you have are all things that are necessary in therapy, is not too much to ask.

    I think it’s more easy to stay with a bad therapist having no hope of actually getting help than to look for someone else and start the process again after your trust has been broken many times, it’s not easy to meet a new therapist, hope this time it will work.
    To start again it’s hard but it shows that you are brave enough to look for what you need and to defend yourself instead of accepting the first incompetent person that you find.

    It’s also not easy to protect your rights, you should find someone capable of helping you that respects you, that really is not too much too ask, it’s the basic.

    Personally I had many bad therapists in my life, when I was younger I didn’t stopped going to an uncapable or disrespectful therapist, I thought I should just accept being treated like that, that I expected too much, it made my life worse.

    If you think it’s not working, you should respect that and start looking for something better.

  3. You’re not being unreasonable! It can be hard for many people to find a therapist that works and when you throw DID into the mix it’s so much harder. I hope you can find a good fit!

  4. No, you’re not being unreasonable. Your past therapists have been unreasonable, unhelpful and flat-out wrong. It sounds like they’ve been enforcing their expectations on you, which is retraumatising in itself, as too many of us grew up in environments like that. I wish you the best of luck in finding a new therapist. I’m sorry it’s been so bad for you, We’ve had our share of lousy therapists, so we sympathise. xx

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