So I have a deadline for ending treatment: December 31, 2013. Team Leader and Fake Therapist talked to my family this morning, and that was the major thing.
I’m not sure how I feel about this. There’s a big sense of relief in that I do know, finally, and my grandfather isn’t going to yank the rug out from under me the way he did at Riggs. (He called me the day after my birthday to say he was pulling the plug in 6 weeks, which was not long enough to wrap up the work and make a good discharge plan.)
But there’s also a sense of dread, mostly about housing. I don’t think I’ll be ready or able to work full-time a year from now, and my big worry is housing. I’ve tried to get on the list for government housing or housing vouchers, but the lists are closed in Massachusetts. Even if you’re already on the list, it’s a 3 to 5 year wait, and I’m going to be homeless in a year. But I’m trying not to panic. My team will help me figure something out. I hope.
It’s just so hard not to panic. I’ve been homeless before, when my family got sick of dealing with me. At least then I had a car to live in, and Alabama isn’t nearly as cold as Massachusetts. And then I got arrested for vagrancy, and they wouldn’t ROR me without an address. The whole situation was incredibly fucked up, and I’m terrified it’ll happen again. I’m trying desperately to distract myself so I don’t panic or shut down.
I’ve also started looking for yet another new therapist. Team Leader got a list from somewhere. I eliminated the men and the ones who I found online who don’t take my insurance. I should start calling the rest of the list, but I haven’t. A combination of phone phobia and general therapist anxiety is making it feel impossible. I might ask Team Leader and/or Fake Therapist if they can make the calls for me.
I’m gonna have to do more of an interview this time than I did with either if the last two therapists. I’m not good at that either, but I’ll have to get good at it. I don’t want a repeat of what happened with either of the last two.
Ugh. I’m sitting here desperately trying to believe I’ll be okay. Right now I’m not convinced. Everything just seems so dangerous.