The Life You Save May Be Your Own

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The End November 12, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 6:03 pm
Tags: , , ,

I just told NT I’m not coming back.

I feel like I’m dying. Yet another week of hoping no one on the bus notices I’m crying.

I tried to tell her how much she hurt me, but the words just wouldn’t come. She kept asking me to talk, and I wanted do fucking much to yell and tear her to shreds. But I just couldn’t say anything.

It felt like no matter what I said or didn’t, no matter what I did, I was the asshole. If I yelled at her for sending me to the hospital, I’d be the asshole–she kept saying she didn’t have any other choice. If I didn’t say anything, then I was an asshole because she was asking me to speak.

I break everything.

And right now, all I want to do is gouge huge holes in myself. I don’t even want to exist. I don’t know if I can start over again.


14 Responses to “The End”

  1. lindakay1948 Says:

    You write so well, Sarah. Can’t you just write to her and tell her that, after she sent you back to the hospital, you don’t feel you can trust her anymore?

  2. sonamsangmu Says:

    I think you need to let yourself be angry in front of her. She’s trained to deal with clients getting upset and yelling at her. She will not crumble. If you go back and expose your emotions it might even build the trust a little if she responds in a favourable way to you. Staying away means no therapy and I can’t see how that is better than finding it in yourself to be vulnerable enough to yell at your therapist.

    P.S.: You aren’t an asshole for sharing your feelings. You’re a human being.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Staying away just means finding a new therapist. It may be hard, but I don’t think it’s impossible. Team Leader says they have a new list of possibilities.

      But even if I don’t find another therapist, or it takes a long time, I still think no therapy is better than bad therapy.

      As for anger, well, I’m really bad at it. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve screamed at anyone besides my mother. I grew up in a family where my mother was the only one allowed to express anger. If I got angry, I got punished. Sometimes I was punished just for having the wrong expression on my face. Although I know I’m out of that situation, when I’m angry at someone who seems unpredictable (NT), I shut down like I had to with my mother.

      But in this situation I think it’s more than I’m afraid of being needy than afraid of being angry. To say “You left me all alone” implies “You should’ve stayed with me.” I’m terrified of being told that’s an unreasonable demand, that I’m asking too much. I’m so afraid of asking too much that I ask nothing at all. I silence myself and shut down. I hate that I do it, but I can’t seem to make myself stop.

      Gah, sorry for the novel-length reply. I think in writing.

      • sonamsangmu Says:

        No need to apologize for the length of your reply. I can appreciate ‘no therapy is better than bad therapy’ but hopefully it won’t come to that and you can find someone with help from Team Leader.

        I’m not good showing anger to my therapists either. In my mind I think they’ll dump me and refuse to see me again. So I have to work on displaying my anger without worrying about the therapist falling apart or sending me packing. The best I generally do is give dirty looks or become rigid! Yelling isn’t in my repertoire either but ideally we would express our anger as it was happening and not leave it to the point where we want to yell! Easier said than done but worth working towards.

        My mother was also the only one “allowed” to be angry and show it. Anyone else was being irrational and overreacting to things.

      • weordmyndum Says:

        The only therapist I’ve ever really been able to get mad at was my therapist at Riggs, and it took me two years to get there.

        I was really angry at her–can’t remember why, but I was pissed. I went on this long rant where I talked all around it, and finally I just got so frustrated I said, “You know what? Fuck you.”

        “I was getting that,” she said. Then she smiled a little and added, “I’ve been trying to get you to say that for two years.”

        Pretty much the best answer ever. I wish I could kidnap her and have her as my therapist again.

      • sonamsangmu Says:

        LOL, I had a psychologist intern like that. He tried everything in his arsenal to make me angry and was very close but I was too stubborn! I knew he was trying to push my buttons to have me “blow” but I was too proud and didn’t want to give him the satisfaction!!! lol

      • weordmyndum Says:

        She wasn’t pushing my buttons as such–I don’t think that having a therapist intentionally provoke an emotional state is all that helpful. She just saw all the anger I was too afraid to recognize. I mean, god, nobody gets as good at self-destruction as I was who’s not hella angry. But I honestly thought I just never got angry. Frustrated or annoyed, sure. Those were manageable.

        When I finally realized it was safe to be angry, it was a huge shift. I got mad, and my therapist and I were both okay. She didn’t respond with her own battering rage. She didn’t ice over. She didn’t abandon me. And I didn’t destroy her.

        I don’t know why I can’t replicate that again. It’s frustrating as hell. You’d think I could just do it again.

      • sonamsangmu Says:

        It was the safety of the relationship you’d built up with her (from the sounds of it). There must have been a connection you felt with her that you haven’t felt with other therapists. For me, the relationship matters most in therapy. If I don’t feel comfortable and like the person I’m working with I won’t accomplish much. It’s all about personality in my books. I don’t work very well with certain personality types so try to steer clear of them if able to(in therapy).
        The psychologist intern who was trying to p*ss me off did a great job! I’d told him I had trouble expressing anger and we had been working together for a fair amount of time when he decided to try out his tactics. It’s funny when I think about it. I was attracted to him but was determined not to blow up over things that had happened to me as a child, whereas he wanted to see me get ANGRY! LOL He was a ENTP so classic move for that type (Myers Briggs typology). I’m more of a self composed sort who tries to maintain composure. We did work very well together despite how it sounds 😉

  3. Grainne Says:

    I’m glad you managed to tell her you’re not returning even if you didn’t get the rest out. I know it will be difficult finding a new therapist but I firmly believe that you need to feel at ease with a therapist to get any real work done. Xxx. (This is yet another time I wish I could have taken that bus with you friend).

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Thank you. Just knowing you’d be here if you could means a lot.

      I called Team Leader, and she calmed me down and made me feel less anxious about finding someone new. She said they’ve got another list of therapists to check out. I just hope to god one of them works. I’m afraid if I get hurt again, I’ll just give up on therapy. I mean, we’re two for two at the moment. Do I have a “betray my trust” sign on my back or something?

      It’s kind of funny–I was really angry when I went to kung fu tonight. We were doing striking drills, and I front kicked so hard I literally knocked my pad-holder on his butt, and he’s a pretty big guy. I kinda caught him off guard, but it was pretty amusing. I can’t tell my therapist how hurt and angry I am, but I can knock a guy over.

  4. I agree with LindaKay- what if you looked over some of these past blog posts, where you expressed what you were feeling, and consolidated them into a letter that you can give to her? Even if you don’t give it to her, maybe it would help you to feel a little better, just getting the words out there. Everyone is entitled to feeling however they feel, and you are not an ‘asshole’ for having difficulty sharing your emotions. You are a work in progress, just like the rest of us out here. If you do decide to look for another therapist, I wish you the best of luck. I also agree with Grainee, that in order to really make any progress in therapy, the most important thing is to find a therapist that you feel comfortable enough with to be yourself. If that’s not what this last therapist was, then maybe it’s for the best that you move on and move forward.

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I guess I feel like trying to communicate all this to NT would just leave me feeling more hurt and hopeless. There’s a point where you just have to let go if trying to get someone else to see your perspective.

      I’m sure I could’ve communicated all this to NT better than I did. But I’ve learned that when I encounter so much internal resistance, there’s usually a good reason–call it intuition or an alter trying to communicate or whatever. Of course I’ve learned this the hard way. Over and over I’ve pushed through internal resistance when I needed to be still and listen to it. In almost every case, I got hurt and realized my intuition was right.

      I don’t know right now if leaving NT was the right decision. You never know these things until later. But what I know is that, aside from my guilt and my worry about finding another therapist, I feel more peaceful. That feels like a good omen. So I hope, anyway.

  5. ligeandcrew Says:

    Gonna try replying to this post again, w/o signing in to WP….I think is what we’re doing. (?) I hope I’m doing it right, and this goes through, and you’re feeling better by now. - Dodge


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