I’m exhausted, and I think I’m bordering on another respiratory infection. I need to rest, but I’m avoiding sleep. I had this nightmare last night so bad I want to shove a knitting needle up my nose to lobotomize myself.
I’m not a fan of trigger warnings, generally, but this one is really bad. Graphic sexual abuse and complicity. Be careful.
I was in a mental hospital. There was another patient there, a man in the bed next to mine. He raped me repeatedly, and I let him. I even let him think it was a relationship.
Then patients did something wrong–I can’t remember what. There was a woman in charge, like Nurse Ratched but worse. To punish us, she was going to rape us all with forks. We had to go get one ourselves and set it on the end of our beds. She told us to pray to her, and I did it without hesitation. She made me hold down a girl, and I did that too. I would’ve done anything to escape getting hurt. I would’ve let anyone else get hurt for the chance of sparing myself.
Just a dream, I know. But I still feel like the worst person on earth. I keep thinking I should be dead. It doesn’t matter that it’s only real in my head–that’s way too real for me.
I just feel so alone. I hate that there’s no one in real life I can talk to. It leaves me feeling so hopeless. NT was my last hope for dealing with all the trauma shit. But, god, part of the reason I’m having the hospital nightmares is what she did. And I don’t have the balls to tell her just how badly she hurt me, so there’s no chance at rebuilding trust. I ruin everything. How fucked up is it that I even ruin therapy?
I try to believe it’s not my fault…but it isn’t working. I feel like it’s my fault, everything is my fault, I ruin everything. It has to be my fault because I don’t want to face the betrayal, don’t want to face the fact that she failed me. If it was her failure instead of mine, it leaves me with no hope–the person I needed to help me failed. It’s better if it’s my fault.
I’m bingeing to avoid sleep. I have $35 to last me the rest of the month, and I’m bingeing. Probably gonna purge. Keeps me awake and turns off the feelings. I can’t bear to feel this right now. I have caffeine pills, too–used them during the last week of the campaign. A few of those would keep me awake. But being awake is intolerable too. So binge/purge it is. There’s a 24-hour Cumberland Farms about a 15-minute walk from here.
I’m sorry. For existing.