The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Exhaustion Takes Over November 9, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 3:32 am
Tags: , ,

I’m never going to be able to manage my own life.

I mean, god, I’m 26 years old. By now, I was meant to have finished undergrad and law school. I was meant to be a rising star, clerking with a judge or something. I should’ve gotten my shit together–maybe still in weekly therapy, but probably not even that. I should’ve been independent and financially stable. I should’ve been happy by now.

Instead what I have is (to borrow/butcher a phrase from Douglas Adams) something almost, but not quite entirely, unlike life.

Finishing my undergrad degree is a pie-in-the-sky dream, and let’s not even talk about law school. I am interning with an attorney, but it’s unpaid, and the case I’m currently working on revolves around whether the defendant could get a boner or not. (Seriously. We just use somewhat more polite language for it in court.) I fucked up my bank account again, SI I somehow have to survive the rest of the month on $37. I am 75% convinced my relationship with my therapist is unsalvageable. My family hates me and wishes they could get rid of me already. I’m in constant physical pain that nothing seems to help in the ling run. I’m functional enough to know that I’m not functional enough.

I just can’t help thinking I should get out while I’m ahead–or, at least, less behind. The campaign is over, and I accomplished what I set out to. No one needs me around anymore. Yeah, a few people might be sad for a while, but it wouldn’t ruin anybody’s life.

The weird thing is I’m not even all that depressed. I’m just so tired of life.


8 Responses to “Exhaustion Takes Over”

  1. Grainne Says:

    I know how you feel in so many ways. xx I’m sorry you feel so let down by life (and yourself). I don’t think this will help any, but, I’m ten years ahead of you and the only thing I have going for me is my job, which I’m desperately hanging onto so I don’t lose my benefits. Just surviving what you go through is an accomplishment…maybe not the one you wanted to make by 27 but, there are soooo many people who wouldn’t have been able to make it as far as you. I know this to be a fact.

    I would be more than sad for a while if you left this life, so you know. (but I know what you mean).

    • Grainne Says:

      (I didn’t mean for that to come out as sappy and “look on the bright side” as it sounds. heh. You know me pretty well….I don’t do bright sides well).

  2. Well… You’re probably right. But you know that yourself.
    Unless you manage to fucking throw everyone in the face what is bothering you you’re never going to get through with it.
    Of course, I’m younger than you so who knows in a few years I’ll be where you are, but damn it. Life is too short to care for others, and it is certainly too short to be polite.
    Not meaning to disrespect you or your issues, you seem like a rather nice person to me and everyone needs a wail-and-complain-corner somewhere, but err… seriously. Get yourself together. No matter what has happened to you or is happening to you, I have always been taught that the way you deal with it is a choice.
    And if it’s not, than you’re undermining your own opinion on chemicals not being responsible for how you feel.
    Ah well. Just needed to shout that out. Made me feel better, hope it didn’t bother you too much.

    • Bourbon Says:

      I don’t think anyone dealing with such hard memories and life stuff day in day out can have a “choice” with whether to be positive in dealing with it or not, ALL THE TIME. If the most well adjusted of persons have their down days then I think it is reasonable to allow those who have been through such life threatening issues to also have their down days without being judged and told to get themselves together. Just my opinion. I would find it very distressing if you wrote something like that on my blog. Especially if you wrote it because you wanted to feel better, not because you wanted to actually help the person by saying it.

      • You are right about my comment being slightly in the disrespectful area, I was and am aware of that. I didn’t want to be explicitly hurtful, I just… Couldn’t help myself. It’s a shitty excuse but it’s the best I’ve got.
        I wanted to start a polemic here defending my point, but actually I know I don’t have a point and no arguments to defend it apart from my own rage at reality.
        Of course you can’t just get yourself together after really bad stuff, but it still makes me pissed. At everyone who isn’t just getting it together (including myself) because really, one SHOULD. And then I go posting stuff like that, hoping to ventilate a bit of my anger and frustration with the utter weakness of a certain percentage of humanity, of which I am unfortunately a part myself.
        I have been taught that weakness, sloth and giving up are the worst of “sins” so to say (and no I’m not religious), and that everything mental is mere imagination, so perhaps it’s just my education slipping through the cracks at times.
        I don’t apologize, but I hope you see it wasn’t really personal.

  3. Bourbon Says:

    I think its hard when something you have put so much energy in then ends and you are left thinking “what have I got left”. You have got a lot going on at the moment that is pulling you down. Anyone would be pulled down by it. I said in therapy today, again, that I am disappointed that I am 25 and still not “better”. This stuff is intense and we are undoubtedly going to have our days where everything just feels pointless. I just hope that something comes through for you to hold onto… we all need something to hold onto xx

    • weordmyndum Says:

      Yes, I think a big part of the problem is I don’t feel like I have anything left to hold onto. The election is over. NT can’t be trusted. My family doesn’t want me. What’s left?

      All that’s left to hold onto us myself, and that’s not really enough. I’m just too tired. I don’t want to keep holding
      On by my fingernails when it would be so much easier to just let go.

      • Bourbon Says:

        I agree in some respects it would be easier to let go but then THEY have won. You have got through so much. You have survived so much. You have the inner resources to get through this too. I know what my therapist would say in this situation: is there any one else inside who can help you… take over for you, give you some of their strength… do something, anything, to help you get out of this incredibly low place you find yourself in? You sound so isolated at the moment and if you can’t get help from outside can you get help from inside?

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