I don’t know what is wrong with me.
I spent the last 4 months working on the campaign. The election is over, and my candidate won. I should be happy. I was for a while, but it wore off.
I just got my second stripe white belt tonight in kung fu. The head instructor said I was spirited and fierce. That should’ve made me feel good.
What I feel is empty. Pointless. Useless. Worthless. Failed. All I see is the mistakes, the things I’ve broken.
I don’t have friends now that the campaign is over. I couldn’t fix the broken relationship with NT. I overdrew my checking account again, the fourth time in the last two months. My house is a mess. I am dissociating/switching/losing time a LOT. I’m never going to be well enough to finish school or get a job. I’m just a drain on everyone around me. They’d all be better off without me. I keep thinking that now that the election is over, no one needs or wants me around.
I don’t want these suicidal feelings. I’m trying so hard to hold onto hope, to convince myself that my mistakes are fixable. But I think I’m losing the battle. I don’t know what to hang onto anymore. I don’t know who I can trust anymore, which leaves me feeling totally alone. I want these thoughts out of my head! I want my life. I just don’t know what to do anymore.