While I was busy phonebanking, NT left me a voicemail asking if I’d be there tomorrow.
I just called her back and told her I would come.
After much agonizing, I decided this is something I need to do–for me, not for her. I need to hear her side, and I need her to hear mine. I need to acknowledge to her what I experienced–the confusion, the fear, the rage.
I’m not even sure I can do this. My habitual pattern is to back down, repress my feelings, and say it’s all okay so I won’t anger or hurt the other person. But it’s not all okay, and I want to say that.
I want something out of this meeting, but I’m not quite sure what it is I’m looking for. But I know that if I can’t get it from NT, I won’t see her again. Maybe that’s unfair to her. Right now I don’t care about fairness.
I don’t know. I just don’t know. I have no idea what I’m doing.
I also sent Tea Leader an email to apologize for being an asshole to her and explaining why I’m so upset with her. I’m not sure it made much sense. I’m still feeling very triggered and vulnerable, so my thinking isn’t as organized as I’d like it to be. But she should know why I’m being so crazy. She has been kind to me, so I owe her that.
My head is still such a mess. And I’m angry that there’s no one in real life who can help me sort it out. I wish I could kidnap my therapist from Riggs.