The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Something there is that doesn’t love a wall November 5, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 7:07 am

While I was busy phonebanking, NT left me a voicemail asking if I’d be there tomorrow.

I just called her back and told her I would come.

After much agonizing, I decided this is something I need to do–for me, not for her. I need to hear her side, and I need her to hear mine. I need to acknowledge to her what I experienced–the confusion, the fear, the rage.

I’m not even sure I can do this. My habitual pattern is to back down, repress my feelings, and say it’s all okay so I won’t anger or hurt the other person. But it’s not all okay, and I want to say that.

I want something out of this meeting, but I’m not quite sure what it is I’m looking for. But I know that if I can’t get it from NT, I won’t see her again. Maybe that’s unfair to her. Right now I don’t care about fairness.

I don’t know. I just don’t know. I have no idea what I’m doing.

I also sent Tea Leader an email to apologize for being an asshole to her and explaining why I’m so upset with her. I’m not sure it made much sense. I’m still feeling very triggered and vulnerable, so my thinking isn’t as organized as I’d like it to be. But she should know why I’m being so crazy. She has been kind to me, so I owe her that.

My head is still such a mess. And I’m angry that there’s no one in real life who can help me sort it out. I wish I could kidnap my therapist from Riggs.


9 Responses to “Something there is that doesn’t love a wall”

  1. Grainne Says:

    I so hope that you manage to tell NT how you feel and how what she did made you suffer. Professionally, she needs to understand so she doesn’t do that to someone else in the future, and quite frankly, she owes you an apology. You trusted her and she ditched you. xx

    • weordmyndum Says:

      I didn’t tell her. I fucking failed. Just like always.

      • Grainne Says:

        I’m sorry. I’d not have been able to do that either, if it helps any. The more important it was, the less I’d be likely to accomplish it. (hugs) I wish I could have come with you.

      • weordmyndum Says:

        I wish you could’ve too. I feel completely alone with all of this, and I don’t want to. My team leader hasn’t responded to the email I sent. So I’m alone on a bus full of college kid, hoping no one notices I’m crying. I hate this.

      • Grainne Says:

        I know…god, I know. When one person lets you down they all seem to jump on the bandwagon! 😦 Just keep your head down and you’ll be home soon, away from the kids on the bus. (I hate public buses so much, especially when feeling so empty).

      • weordmyndum Says:

        Most of the time I actually like the bus (I’m weird, I know), but right now I just want to be home in bed under all my blankets. All I can think about is finding something sharp to cut with. I just want to destroy myself.

      • Grainne Says:

        I hide in my blankets too. Is there anything you can think of to try that will hurt without cutting (don’t want the Windhorse team to freak out on you). I’m not saying you *should* cut, but you need some kind of relief…

      • weordmyndum Says:

        Nothing else really works like I need it to. I know how pathetic that is, but at the moment it’s all I’ve got. I just can’t fucking deal with being me right now. Where the fuck are alters when you need them?

      • Grainne Says:

        Probably afraid to do anything in case you end up in the hospital again. 😦

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