The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Coward November 5, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 6:18 pm
Tags: , ,

I just got out of my appointment with NT.

I told her I was angry, but I didn’t give specifics. I’m a fucking coward. I just couldn’t show her my emotions, the pain and fear. I had my mother’s voice echoing in my head: “Just don’t let them get to you.” So invalidating, but I’ve internalized it.

NT changed the topic, and I let her. She shifted the blame to Windhorse, and I let her. I’m just a fucking coward. I hate that I let people trample all over me and my needs. I hate myself so much right now. I even let her bully me into agreeing to come next week.

All I wanted to say the whole time was, “You left me alone. I woke up with no idea where I was or what was happening. Then I realized I was in a hospital, one of the places I fear most. I was all alone in a hallway. I didn’t even have my own clothes. You did that. You left me alone.”

Instead I said nothing.

Right now I want to find something sharp and shred myself to pieces. I let NT do it to me, so why shouldn’t I just do it to myself?


2 Responses to “Coward”

  1. reflectionsonlifethusfar Says:

    Please don’t shred yourself to pieces! I’ve allowed others to do what they want without me saying I object but hurting yourself doesn’t help. It just doubles the pain. Try to be kind to yourself(selves) and maybe try speaking your feelings to NT next time you meet up.

  2. I’m so sorry this happened, it’s terrible not being able to say how you really feel to someone that did something awful to you, I hate when I act like that and I can only imagine how it must feel to you.
    You’re not a coward, maybe you just lack the skill to say your wishes, that’s not being a coward, it’s not your fault that someone betrayed your trust and it’s not your fault you can’t say what you really want, you’re the one suffering because of it.
    People should respect you but it’s not your fault if they don’t.

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