I just got out of my appointment with NT.
I told her I was angry, but I didn’t give specifics. I’m a fucking coward. I just couldn’t show her my emotions, the pain and fear. I had my mother’s voice echoing in my head: “Just don’t let them get to you.” So invalidating, but I’ve internalized it.
NT changed the topic, and I let her. She shifted the blame to Windhorse, and I let her. I’m just a fucking coward. I hate that I let people trample all over me and my needs. I hate myself so much right now. I even let her bully me into agreeing to come next week.
All I wanted to say the whole time was, “You left me alone. I woke up with no idea where I was or what was happening. Then I realized I was in a hospital, one of the places I fear most. I was all alone in a hallway. I didn’t even have my own clothes. You did that. You left me alone.”
Instead I said nothing.
Right now I want to find something sharp and shred myself to pieces. I let NT do it to me, so why shouldn’t I just do it to myself?