The Life You Save May Be Your Own

DID, knitting, sci-fi, and strong opinions

Effigy November 3, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — weordmyndum @ 6:03 am
Tags: , , , ,

So not okay. Taking way too much Benadryl and gabapentin so I don’t have to stay conscious. Afraid if I’m awake I’ll end up doing something worse.

Being pulled in so many different directions. Go away/don’t leave me alone. Talk/don’t talk. Cut/sleep. Hurt myself/lash out at them. Live/die. Cry/scream. Fall apart/pretend everything’s normal.

Not okay.

Nurse came over. I opened the door because I thought it was just her. No, she brought Team Leader. Lied to me–tricked me–didn’t say Team Leader was with her. Proved I was right–can’t trust anyone. More betrayal. Trying to force me to talk. Not gonna. Anything I say will be used against me. I know how this goes.

They think I’m mad at them cause I ended up in the hospital. No–that was NT–mad at them cause Team Leader took NT’s side and Nurse took Team Leader’s side. Betrayals–not safe. Shoulda known better than to ever trust them.

Want to destroy everything. Them. Me. The whole world–everything up in flames. It’s the only thing that makes sense anymore. Kill it all–nothing worth saving. Nothing’s safe. So destroy it–burn it all down–burn me down.

Okay is a lie too.

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6 Responses to “Effigy”

  1. Grainne Says:

    Sara. 😦 I’m with you. Xx

  2. Linda Mulvey Says:

    Have you tried prayer?

  3. mm172001 Says:

    So sorry you’re feeling this way. Hope things get better soon.

  4. sonamsangmu Says:

    I hope things start to improve for you. I’m sorry everything’s going badly now 😦

  5. Neloran Says:

    I am catching up on your posts. Sounds like you have been caught up in a vortex of mixed emotions with current day grief/shame/guilt digging up old grief/shame/guilt.

    I know exactly what that is like. Been there. 😦 All the time…

    Please hang in there. You are important to us.

    -Nel


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